Rare "Weird Al" Yankovic songs

entered by jbmorris@copper.ucs.indiana.edu & annie@nevada.edu except as
noted

     Contents:
   * Belvedere Cruising
   * School Cafeteria
   * Take Me Down
   * Leisure Suit Serenade
   * Cheerios, Apple Jacks, Cheerios
   * Nobody Here But Us Frogs
   * American Slob
   * Hit Me With A Rock
   * Dead Car Battery Blues
   * Never Met A Person As Wonderful As Me
   * Born To Be Mild
   * School Cafeteria (B-side version)
   * Baby Likes Burping
   * You Don't Take Your Showers
   * Crampton Comes Alive
   * Gravy On You
   * Take Me To The Liver
   * Fatter
   * If I Could Make Love To A Bottle
   * Won't Eat Prunes Again
   * It's Still Billy Joel To Me
   * Pac-Man
   * I Love Rocky Road (demo)
   * Stop Draggin' My Car Around (demo)
   * We Got The Beef
   * Flatbush Avenue
   * Sometimes You Feel Like A Nut
   * Take The L Out Of Liver
   * A Matter of Crust
   * The Food Medley
   * The Anniversary Song
   * Holiday Greetings (1987)
   * Holiday Greetings (1988)
   * Polka Patterns
   * Chicken Pot Pie
   * Snack All Night
   * Green Eggs And Ham
   * I'll Repair For You
   * Laundry Day
   * Gee, I'm A Nerd
   * The Weird Al Show theme song
   * Other songs from "The Weird Al Show" (courtesy of Dave Rossi)
        o Water Is Wet
        o I Like You
        o Lousy Haircut
        o Cheese
        o The Al's Mailbag Theme Song
        o There's Someone At The Door
        o Gotta Open The Door
        o Who's At The Door?
        o Tahj Mowry
        o What's With The Singing?
        o Why Don't We Show A Clip Now?
        o Why Did You Come On This Stupid Show?
        o I Made You Into A Freak
        o I Quit
        o It's Nice To Be Nice
        o The Kitty Song
        o Auld Lang Syne (The Weird Al Show Version)
   * The Ballad Of Kent Marlow

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Belvedere Cruising

home tape, 1976

Now you won't find me braggin'
'Bout my big green station wagon,
Or tellin' 'bout the traffic laws I'm breakin'.
Everybody knows that I wouldn't dare
Match my wits with a red Corvair,
And just the thought of a Pinto leaves me shakin'.

Now, I don't think that I could hack
Drivin' a big white Cadillac
With ripped up upholstery and unnecessary frills.
No, I don't think that I could bear
Drivin' somethin' other than a Belvedere.
In a Belvedere I can really get my thrills.

Goin' Belvedere cruisin' tonight.
Just watch me pass that Porsche on the right.
I can take you anywhere,
In my 1964 Belvedere.
Goin' Belvedere cruisin' tonight!

I don't think that I could cruise
In one of those small VW's,
Or zip along the highway in a classy pickup truck.
There's somethin' 'bout a Comet
That makes me wanna vomit,
And those Datsuns just ain't worth a Fudgesicle, no!

Goin' Belvedere cruisin' tonight.
You got nothin' to lose but your life.
It can take away your blues,
All you've gotta do is cruise
In my big black Plymouth Belvedere tonight!

With red upholstery!
Goin' Belvedere cruisin' tonight, yes indeed.
Woo! Goin' Belvedere cruisin' tonight.
Yeah! Goin' Belvedere cruisin' tonight!
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------

School Cafeteria

home tape, 1976

Is it on? Okay.
1, 2. 1, 2, 5, 6.
Let me tell you 'bout the school cafeteria,
It's got all the others beat.
It sells over four million burgers a year.
Just think, that's almost two pounds of meat.

My ice cream sandwich is lukewarm,
But my burrito is much too cold.
A school cafeteria is the only place
That sells artificially colored mold.

You know a school cafeteria believes in mass production.
They buy those lousy soy beans by the keg.
I don't like to complain, but in a school cafeteria,
You can get a taco and get Bubonic Plague.

Today in the school cafeteria,
They introduced a brand new malt.
It's called boysenberry dysentery,
Please pass the salt.

The tunafish sandwiches'll make you ill.
The enchiladas are enough to kill.
Before you eat, you'd better make out your will
In the school cafeteria today.

Say, boys and girls, tired of being skinny?
Eat a school lunch today!
All starch and cholesterol.
Absolutely no protein!
Remember: fourteen million teenagers can't be wrong!

Feel your arteries growing hard
As you eat another healthy spoonful of lard.

It's no wonder that the food is so gross,
The health department is afraid to come close.
So everybody better hold your nose
In the school cafeteria today.

So listen very closely, all you girls and guys.
Here's a little message to the wise.
You'd better not try the chili surprise
In the school cafeteria today, oh yeah.
In the school cafeteria today!
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Take Me Down

submission on local San Luis Obispo (SLO) LP entitled SLO Grown
entered by d.zechiel1@genie.geis.com (Dave Zechiel)

Someday I'm gonna pack up
And then I'm goin' back up
To that place where sentimental feelings arouse
Where the grass is green
And the air is so clean
That when the wind is right you can even smell the cows

Take me down (take me down)
To that good old SLO town
Where time shifts into neutral
And idles away

Take me down (take me down)
To that good old SLO town
I've got to get back
To that city today

If you're new in town
Then you'll wanna look around
But you don't know where to begin
Well, there's Bubble Gum Alley
And the local car rally
Not to mention the toilets at Madonna Inn

Take me down (take me down)
To that good old SLO town
Where time shifts into neutral
And idles away

Take me down (take me down)
To that good old SLO town
I've got to get back
To that city today

It's not much of a hassle
To drive up to Hearst's Castle
And it's not too far from Pismo Beach or Morro Rock
You can visit downtown at your leisure
Because for your shopping pleasure
The stores never close down until five o'clock

Take me down (take me down)
To that good old SLO town
Where time shifts into neutral
And idles away

Take me down (take me down)
To that good old SLO town
I've got to get back
To that city today

So take me down (take me down)
To that good old SLO town
Where time shifts into neutral
And idles away

Take me down (take me down)
To that good old SLO town
I've got to get back
To that city today
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Leisure Suit Serenade

home tape, 1979

Wearin' old T-shirts and grubby jeans,
People say I look kinda odd.
Well, I'm never accepted in the social set
'Cause they say that I'm a clod.
But once in a while, I go to my closet
And I put on something mod.
And when I step out in my leisure suit,
People stand up and applaud.

Leisure suit serenade.
Slip one on and you got it made.
You better hope and pray that the colors don't fade.
That's the leisure suit serenade.

Now, it don't matter if the collar's bent
If it's got nylon twenty percent.
Now I'm as cool as an ASB* president.
Leisure suit serenade.

Leisure suit serenade.
Slip one on and you got it made.
You better hope and pray that the colors don't fade.
That's the leisure suit serenade, oh yeah.
That's the leisure suit serenade.

[* ASB = Associated Student Body in Southern California schools]
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cheerios, Apple Jacks, Cheerios

home tape, 1979
(parody of "Cheerio Cherry Lips Cheerio" by Gordon Wallace [Scrappy
Lambert], which is Dr. Demento's closing theme song)

Cheerios, Apple Jacks, Cheerios.
Did you know Froot Loops fit in your nose?
I may be just a simple guy,
But just the thought of Corn Flakes makes me high.

Cheerios, Cocoa Puffs, Cheerios,
Makes me want to take off all my clothes.
I love them dearly, and that's how it goes.
Cheerios, Apple Jacks, Cheerios.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nobody Here But Us Frogs

home tape, 1979

Oh, I've really got those ozone layer blues
From my elbow down to my shoes,
So let's throw another fire on the logs.

Now we can go downtown and fill the latrine
With genuine Columbian lima beans.
Dynastic and elastic, it's all made out of plastic,
There's nobody here but us frogs.

I'd like to find a girl who really cares
About the size of my nasal hairs.
She could feed bananas to the dogs.

We could climb the church and look down from the steeple,
Where all the ants look like people.
Nutritious and delicious, it's even surreptitious,
There's nobody here but us frogs.

They say I'm crazy,
But I couldn't care less.
Why don't they leave me alone?
Can't they see that I'm happy to be a psychiatrical mess?

I get a thrill
Bein' mentally ill. Yes I do.
They seem to think it's a crime,
But it's a pleasure sublime, oh yes.

That's why I'm happy here inside these padded walls,
Makin' obscene telephone calls,
And throwin' TV dinners to the hogs.

I never trust a naked Eskimo,
And don't you eat that purple snow.
Revolting and disgusting,
My belly button's rusting,
There's nobody here but us frogs.

They say I'm crazy,
But I couldn't care less.
Why don't they leave me alone?
Can't they see that I'm happy to be a psychiatrical mess?

I get a thrill
Bein' mentally ill. Yes I do.
They seem to think it's a crime,
But it's a pleasure sublime, oh yes.

That's why I'm happy here inside these padded walls,
Makin' obscene telephone calls,
And throwin' TV dinners to the hogs.
I like to eat my ice cubes boiling hot,
And Wilshire Boulevard's a Commie plot.

Amazingly congruent, and commonly affluent.
Innately effervescent, surprisingly incessant.
Superblier commended (?), eccentric and demented,
There's nobody here but us,
Nobody here but us,
Nobody here but us frogs, I mean it.
Nobody here but us frogs.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------

American Slob

home tape, 1978?

If you're walking down the street,
And a tough-looking character you meet,
Who would like your legal tender,
Or a sampling of your gender,
Don't scream or run away,
Or else he just might say
You'e anti-social.

These are the rules of etiquette,
From Texas to Connecticut.
Jut follow them and you'll go far.
You'll be socially appealing,
As long as you're not revealing
The kind of person that you know you are.

You're just an unkemp, unpolished, uncoordinated,
Awkward, vulgar, rude, and uncultivated,
Ill-bred, tactless, coarse, and discourteous,
Boring, insensitive jerk.

They'll say you're garish, barbaric,
Crass and outlandish.
Being uncouth is your job.
You're just an inveterate,
Communist degenerate,
First class American slob.

If in high society you're a beginner,
And you're going to a formal dinner,
Here's a rule you can't forget.
When they serve the crepe Suzette,
It isn't very cool
To eat with your entrenching tool.

These are the rules of etiquette,
From Texas to Connecticut.
Good taste is here to stay.
So be careful what you wear,
And the way you comb your hair,
Or else everyone is gonna say

That you're just an unkemp, unpolished, uncoordinated,
Awkward, vulgar, rude, and uncultivated,
Ill-bred, tactless, coarse, and discourteous,
Boring, insensitive jerk.

They'll say you're garish, barbaric,
Crass and outlandish.
Being uncouth is your job.
You're just an inveterate,
Communist degenerate,
First class American slob.

[burp] 'scuse me.

They'll say you're garish, barbaric,
Crass and outlandish.
Being uncouth is your job.
You're just an inveterate,
Communist degenerate,
First class American slob.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hit Me With A Rock

home tape, 1979?
parody of "Loves Me Like A Rock" by Paul Simon

Take 92.

When I was a little boy,
(When I was just a boy)
And my mother would call my name,
(When I was just a boy)
She'd say I had to be in the house by 7.
(When I was just a boy)

But I'd stay out late at night,
(When I was just a boy)
And when I'd finally get back in,
Oh, I know she'd hit me, she'd hit me,
She'd sit me on her knees and whip me.

Oh, she'd hit me with a rock.
She'd whip me with a rock, oh baby.
She'd hit me. (Hit me with a rock)
She'd hit me, hit me, hit me, hit me.
(Hit me with a rock)

And when I was grown to be a man,
(Grown to be a man)
The minute the boss would call my name,
(Grown to be a man)
And say I had to be in the office by 7.
(Grown to be a man)

I'm a constipated man,
(Grown to be a man)
And when I'd finally get back in,
Oh, my boss'd hit me, he'd hit me,
He'd tie me to a chair and whip me.

Oh he'd hit me with a rock.
He'd whip me with a rock, oh baby.
He'd hit me. (Hit me with a rock)
He'd hit me, hit me, hit me, hit me.
(Hit me with a rock)

When I was grown to be President,
(Was the President)
The minute the congress'd call my name,
(Was the President)
And said some papers had to be signed by Thursday.
(Had to be signed by Thursday)

I'd fly away to Pakistan
(Was the President)
And the second that I'd get back home,
Oh, I know they'd hit me, they'd hit me,
With leather and chains they'd whip me.

Oh, they'd hit me with a rock.
They'd whip me with a rock, oh baby.
They'd hit me. (Hit me with a rock)
They'd hit me, hit me, hit me, hit me.
(Hit me with a rock)
Hit me, hit me, hit me.
(Hit me with a rock)
They'd hit me, hit me, hit me, hit me.
(Hit me with a rock)
Yah yah yah yah yah yah
(Hit me with a rock)
(Hit with a rock)
Ow! Whaddaya doin' to me? Get away from me!
(Hit with a rock, oh baby)
(Hit with a rock)
(He's gettin' hit with a rock)
(He's gettin' hit with a rock, oh baby)
(Hit with a rock)
...
Wait a minute, hold it!
I think he's dead.
Let's leave.
Let's get out of here, man!
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dead Car Battery Blues

home tape, 1979?

One, two, a-one, two, three, four.

Well I, can't go to the park,
I can't go to work.
I can't do nothin',
I gotta stay in my house like a jerk.

How come I always lose?
My car has blown a fuse.
Oh yeah.
I got hydraulic fluid leakin' in my shoes,
And the dead car battery blues.

You know, can't visit my girlfriend,
I can't go to school.
I can't go anywhere,
Gotta stay in my room like a fool.

'Cause I got grease in my hair,
My Belvedere's in disrepair.
Oh yeah.
I got hydraulic fluid leakin' in my shoes,
And the dead car battery blues.

So I, went to see my mechanic,
He said, "Okay, now, what is wrong?"
I told him my car wouldn't start,
He said, "This shouldn't take very long."

So he, replaced all my plugs and my points(?)
And he looked at my carburetor.
He took out my engine and turned it around(?),
And then seventeen hours later

He looked at my headlights and said,
"Son, how long have these things been on?"
I told him, "Oh, about three or four weeks,"
He said, "Buddy, I know what's wrong!
But I hate to be the one to give you the news,
You got the dead car battery blues."

So now I, can't go to my office,
Can't work on my job.
I might as well lock myself up in my room
And live my life like a slob.

How come I always lose?
My Belvedere has blown a fuse.
Oh yeah.
I got hydraulic fluid leakin' in my shoes,
And the dead car battery blues.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Never Met A Person As Wonderful As Me

home tape, 1979?

Well, I stare at myself in the mirror
When I wake up every morn.
And I marvel at how great I've been
Since the day that I was born.

I've made so many albums,
I've run out of things to name 'em.
My fans all want to be like me,
And really, who can blame 'em?

Teenage groupies all surround me,
I guess I know why.
No one else can match my charm,
Why do they even try?

All the girls in college
Turned me down for other fellas.
But I know why, it seems to me
They're just insanely jealous.
Who wouldn't be?

Some people call it self-indulgence,
But they just don't understand
That it's hard to be too humble
When you know that you're so grand.

And I'm not trying to say I'm perfect,
I just want you to see
That I've never met a person
Who's as wonderful as me.

Now, I'm not arrogant or haughty,
And I'm certainly not conceited.
But anyone trying to match my wits
Is very soon defeated.

I'm a marvellous human being,
I'm just one big hunk of man.
Sometimes I have to marvel
At how very great I am.

Some people call it self-indulgence,
But they just don't understand
That it's hard to be too humble
When you know that you're so grand.

And I'm not trying to say I'm perfect,
I just want you to see
That I've never met a person
Who's as marvellous, spectacular,
Fantastic and terrific,
And so very great and wonderful as me.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Born To Be Mild

parody of "Born To Be Wild" by Steppenwolf, written by Al & Jon Iverson

Get your program running
Head out to the center
Terminals are waiting
For the data that you'll enter

Everybody says that you're a nerd, but
They should know that you just don't care
Got your Hewlett-Packard on your belt and
Vaseline in your hair

Like a true mommy's child
You were born, born to be mild
When your batteries die
You're always gonna cry.
Born to be mild

Pencils in your pocket
Patent leather briefcase
Studying your Fortran
You got pimples on your face

Gotta do your homework
Forget about the prom dance
They think that you're a big jerk
'Cause you wear a pair of flood pants

Every day you wake up
Your oscilloscope is humming
Parties tend to break up
When they find out that you're coming
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------

School Cafeteria

"My Bologna" single B-side, 1979

Now, let me tell you 'bout the school cafeteria,
It's got all the others beat.
It sells over four million burgers a year.
Just think, that's almost two pounds of meat.

My ice cream sandwich is lukewarm,
But my burrito is much too cold.
You know a school cafeteria is the only place
That sells artificially colored mold.

You know a school cafeteria believes in mass production.
They buy those lousy soy beans by the keg.
I don't like to complain, but in a school cafeteria,
You can buy a taco and get Bubonic Plague.

Today in the school cafeteria,
They introduced a brand new malt.
It's called boysenberry dysentery,
Please pass the salt.

The tunafish sandwiches'll make you ill.
The enchiladas are enough to kill.
Before you eat, you'd better make out your will
In the school cafeteria today.

After sixty-three years in the business,
Our cook still hasn't got The Knack.
And all the food in the school cafeteria
Comes from CARE packages that were sent back.

Feel your arteries growing hard
As you eat another healthy spoonful of lard.

It's no wonder that the food is so gross,
The health department is afraid to come close.
So everybody better hold your nose
In the school cafeteria today.

So listen very closely, all you girls and guys.
Here's a little message to the wise.
You'd better not try the chili surprise
In the school cafeteria today, oh yeah.
In the school cafeteria today!
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Baby Likes Burping

bathroom recording, 1979
(parody of "Baby Talks Dirty" by The Knack)

You know my baby likes burping.
You know my baby's kinda nauseating.
[burps]
My little vulgar one is so gross,
'Cause when I hold her in my arms so close she goes
[burps]

And out in public it's embarrassing.
She'll burp at anyone or anything.
She's so revolting and disgusting
And repulsive to me, yeah!

My little lady's so obnoxious.
Today she walked onto a Greyhound bus goin'
[burps]
And then a couple hours later,
My baby's in a crowded elevator.
[burps]

That little filthy pig is so obscene.
I'm really glad she doesn't like beans.
She's so revolting and disgusting
And repulsive to me, yeah!

Oh, I wonder what's her trip.
Oh, she'd better can it quick.
Oh, I think I'm gonna be sick.

If baby does it anymore,
I think I'll just pretend like I don't know her.
[burps]
You know my baby likes burping.
You know my baby is really sickening!
[burps]

That's enough! That's it!
[record scratch]
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------

You Don't Take Your Showers

home tape, 1979
(parody of "You Don't Bring Me Flowers" by Barbra Streisand & Neil Diamond)

You don't take your showers
You don't use Ban Roll-On
Please don't come near me anymore
Or I'll throw up on the floor because you make me ill

I remember when you used to smell half-decent
That hasn't been too recent
Now you're repulsing all the people you know
You perspire freely, your dandruff's like snow
And you're drawing flies everywhere that you go
'Cause you don't take your showers anymore

I had to buy some Airwick
You even made my dog sick
You can't come over anymore,
'cause your hygiene is poor and besides you're a slob

You create a nuisance
When you're out in public
When you walk up to people in your smelly old clothes
And they just run from you, holding their nose
And you claim that you're lonely, but that's how it goes
'Cause you don't take your showers anymore

And you claim that you're lonely, but that's how it goes
'Cause you don't change your undies
And you don't use Ban Roll-On
And you don't take your showers anymore
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Crampton Comes Alive

live on The Dr. Demento Show during a food medley, 1979
(parody of "Do You Feel Like We Do" by Peter Frampton)

I like bologna so much, but there's a lot of other things I like. I'd like
to do a short medley of songs about food.

Well, woke up this morning
With a Big Mac in my hand
What fries, whose fries?
Where's my Hot Apple Pies?
Must be a joke
I can't believe there's no Coke!
THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Feel Like Throwin' Up

see The Food Medley below
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Gravy On You

live on The Dr. Demento Show during a food medley, 1979
(parody of "Crazy On You" by Heart)
entered by Dave Rossi (dprossi@eden.rutgers.edu)

Well, I think you're obnoxious
And I think that you stink
I think you're a moron,
A slob, and a fink
You're one of the biggest turkeys I know
And that is the reason I'm going to

Throw gravy on you
And throw gravy on you
And throw gravy, gravy on you-ou-ou-ou-ou
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Take Me To The Liver

live on The Dr. Demento Show during a food medley, 1979
(parody of "Take Me To The River" by Talking Heads)
entered by Dave Rossi (dprossi@eden.rutgers.edu)

I'd like to do some more songs about buildings and food.
This is a song about liver, very high in protein, very good for ya.
Hope you like it.

I don't know why
You feed me so bad
Think of all the health food
I could've had

You took-a my yogurt
And my whole wheat bread
You give me Ding Dongs
And Twinkies instead

I wanna know
Can you tell me?
When is it going to end?

Take me to the liver
Push it on my platter
Give me a piece of liver
Oh, drop it on my platter

Scarfin' it down
Scarfin' it dowwwwwwwwwwwn
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Fatter

live on The Dr. Demento Show during a food medley, 1979
(parody of "Shattered" by The Rolling Stones)
entered by Dave Rossi (dprossi@eden.rutgers.edu)

Fatter, Fatter
Shake 'n Bake, Fatter
Shake 'n Bake, Fatter
Fatter

Corndogs, pizza, Coca Cola,
Yogurt, butterscotch, granola
Look at me. I'm Fatter.
I'm Fatter. I'm Fatter.

Friends all gather 'round me
My enemies surround me
Yelling "Fatso, Fatso, Fatso!"
I've eaten at every single greasy spoon on Seventh Avenue
That's right. I'm Fatter.
Don't you know my weight is going up, up, up, up, up
I tell you, this turkey sure is tough, tough, tough, tough, tough, tough,
tough

They got pizza on the west side
French fries up town
Corn dogs deep fried in batter
I'm Fatter.
Go ahead, bite the big apple
Don't mind the calories
Pile it on my platter
I'm fatter
Pile it up. Pile it high up!
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------

If I Could Make Love To A Bottle

live, circa 1980-1984
parody of "Time In A Bottle" by Jim Croce
entered by Dave Rossi (dprossi@mail.webspan.net)

If I could make love to a bottle
The first thing that I'd like to do
I'd search the world over to find one
that had the exact same circumference as you.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Won't Eat Prunes Again

demo, 1980?
parody of "Won't Get Fooled Again" by The Who

It was just the other day
When we to Joe's Cafe
Just to order up a couple steaks to eat.

But we noticed something wrong.
All the Worcestershire was gone.
But the waitress brought a different kind of treat.

She said this sauce was the chef's new creation.
Guaranteed, it's a new taste sensation.
But she warned us it's made out of prunes.
"Try a little if you dare.
Nothing can compare."
So we had some and now we swear
We won't eat prunes again.

That was such a dirty trick.
Boy, it really made us sick.
Well it looks like we've been done in by the prune.

Still the memory lingers on.
I been livin' in the john,
'Cause I've had the runs since Monday afternoon.

I'd sell my soul for some new constipation.
Need a cure for this new aggravation.
Diarrhea has taken its toll.
Still got the runs today,
Just like yesterday,
Buddy, that's why I'm hear to say
We won't eat prunes again.

Won't eat prunes again!
No no!

Yeah!

Eat the new sauce.
Same as the old sauce.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's Still Billy Joel to Me

home tape, 1980
(parody of "It's Still Rock And Roll To Me" by Billy Joel)

What's the matter with the songs he's singin'?
Can't you tell that they're pretty lame?
After listenin' to a couple albums,
Well, they all start to sound the same.

So he tried to change his musical style.
He tossed all his ballads in the circular file.
Then he found the punk sound,
Breakin' ground all around,
It's still Billy Joel to me.

What's the matter with the tune he's writin'?
Well, you know it's gonna be a smash.
It's so nice when you're a big name artist,
Doesn't matter if it sounds like trash.

Now everybody thinks the new wave is super.
Just ask Linda Ronstadt or even Alice Cooper.
It's a big hit, isn't it?
Even if it's a piece of junk,
It's still Billy Joel to me.

Woah, it doesn't matter what the critics say about him,
'Cause he doesn't worry how they feel.
When you're record's sellin' millions and it's goin' triple platinum,
You don't worry 'bout your next meal,
'Cause money is no big deal.

Maybe he should dye his hair bright pink
And stick a safety pin through his cheeks.
Then he'd really fit the new wave image,
But he couldn't sit down for weeks.

Don't you know about the record business, honey?
You gotta be trendy if you wanna make some money.
Now everybody's sayin' that he sure sounds funny,
But it's still Billy Joel to me.

All right, Alfred!
Oh!

I can hardly wait 'til his next album.
Well, I'll bet it's gonna be the rage.
Buy a ticket to his next big concert.
Well, I wonder what he'll do on stage.

It might be disco and it might be the blues,
Or maybe even somethin' like the B-52's.
Just a handclap, finger snap,
Even if it's mindless pap,
It's still Billy Joel to me.

Everybody's sayin' that he sure sounds funny,
But it's still Billy Joel to me.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pac-Man

band demo, 1981
(parody of "Taxman" by The Beatles)
entered by Dave Zechiel (d.zechiel1@genie.geis.com)

(one, two, thray, four, one, two [nasal hocking sound])
Go!

I used to be a pinball freak
That's where you'd find me every week
But now it's Pac-Man!
Ye-ea-ah it's the Pac-Ma-an!

I love to gobble up those dots
Keep pumpin' quarters in the slots
They call it "Pac-Man"!
Ye-ea-ah it's the Pac-Ma-an!

At the game arcade-ade
they say I'm "hard core"
I can play all day-day
'til my hands are sore
And I quit my job-job
just to play some more
But I won't give up-up
'til I break high score

Pac-Man!
[music from Pac-Man "intermission"]

Well it's the Pac-Man!
Ye-ea-ah it's the Pac-Ma-an!

Well it takes a lot of cash to play
(Pac-Man! Get the cherry!)
So I'm gonna sell my house today
(Pac-Man! Eat 'em up!)

I'm playin' Pac-Man!
Ye-ea-ah it's the Pac-Ma-an!

Hey mom, I won't be home this year
(Pac-Ma-an!)
Please forward all my mail right here!
(Pac-Ma-an!)
I'm at the Pac-Man!
Ye-ea-ah it's the Pac-Ma-an!

...and you're playing with no one but me
Pac-Man!
[music from Pac-Man "intermission"]
[sound from when Pac-Man dies]
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------

I Love Rocky Road (demo)

demo tape, 1981? (the tape that won him his record contract)
(parody of "I Love Rock 'n Roll" by Joan Jett & The Blackhearts)

I hear those Ice cream bells and I start to drool,
Keep a couple Quarts in my locker at school
Yeah, but chocolate's gettin old,
Vanilla just leaves me cold,
There's just one flavor good enough for me, yeah me,
Don't gimme no crummy taste spoon, I know what I need, baby

I love Rocky Road,
So won't you go and buy a half gallon baby
I love rocky Road,
So have another triple scoop with me, OW!

They tell me ice cream junkies are all the same,
The folks at Baskin-Robbins all know my name,
When their supply is gone,
then I'll be movin' on
But I'll be back on Monday afternoon,
You'll see, another truckload's comin' in for me,
All for me, I'm singin'

I love Rocky Road,
So won't you go and buy a half gallon baby
I love Rocky Road,
So have another triple scoop with me, OW!

Oh, make it talk.

When I'm all alone,
I just grab myself a cone,
If i get fat and lose my teeth that's fine with me,
Just lock me in the freezer and throw away the key, singin',

I love Rocky Road,
So won't you go and buy a half gallon baby
I love Rocky Road,
So have another triple scoop with me.

I love Rocky Road,
So won't you go and buy a half gallon baby
I love rocky Road,
So have another triple scoop with

I love Rocky Road,
So won't you go and buy a half gallon baby
I love Rocky Road,
So have another triple scoop with

I love Rocky Road,
So won't you go and buy a half gallon baby
I love Rocky Road,
So have another triple scoop with me!
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Stop Draggin' My Car Around

band demo, 1982
(parody of "Stop Draggin' My Heart Around" by Stevie Nicks w/ Tom Petty &
The Heartbreakers)
entered by Dave Rossi (dprossi@eden.rutgers.edu)

Had to park my car for just five minutes
I had to go inside to use the phone
When I came back again my car was gone
Well I, I didn't know it was a loading zone
It was a bummer
I was so brought down
I chased that lousy tow truck all over town yellin'

Stop draggin' my
Stop draggin' my
Stop draggin' my car around

I was cruisin' doing sixty in the fast lane
Guess I must have hit some broken glass
I had a blow out and I started swerving
Tried to pull over but I ran outta gas
Yeah I was stranded, I was blocking traffic
I had to run and call the Triple A
Got back in time to see the highway patrolmen
They were towing my car away

Stop draggin' my
Stop draggin' my
Stop draggin' my car around

Wooo oooooo

Now I'm at home, I'm watching Gilligan's Island
I guess I oughtta trade my old car in
For twenty dollars and my '64 Plymouth
Maybe I could get a second hand Schwinn
All of a sudden there's a tow truck in the driveway
I grabbed the driver and I asked him why
He said, "I'm sorry but you're late with the payments"
"It's time to kiss your little car good-bye"

Stop draggin' my
Stop draggin' my
Stop draggin' my car around

Stop draggin' my car around (Aw come on man, I just had the hubcaps
painted. Give me a break)
Stop draggin' my car around (Aw man. Hey, I left a sandwich in the back
seat. Hey!)
Stop draggin' my car around (Aw. Hey listen, the check's in the mail. No,
really.)
Stop draggin' my car around (Hey! Hey! Eat me! Go on, eat me!)
Stop draggin' my car around

baby, baby baby baby baby-y-y-y (Go on. Go on.)

(assorted claps, laughs and choking noises)
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------

We Got The Beef part of food medley, 1983-1984
(parody of "We Got The Beat" by Go-Go's)
entered by Dave Rossi (dprossi@mail.webspan.net)

Had ourselves a little barbeque
Corn on the cob and mashed potatoes too
Joe got the Fritos, Ernie got the stew
So what did you bring?

We got the beef
We got the beef
We got the beef
Yeah! We got it

(We got the beef) Now, everybody get on your feet
(We got the beef) Grab a hunk of your favorite meat
(We got the beef) Chuck steak, and now
(We got the beef) Ground round by the pound

We got the beef (We got the beef)
We got the beef (We got the beef. We got the beef)
We got the beef (We got the beef. We got the)
We got the beef
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Flatbush Avenue part of food medley, 1983-1984
(parody of "Electric Avenue" by Eddy Grant)
entered by Dave Rossi (dprossi@mail.webspan.net)

Oy!
Oy!
Down on the street they got bagels.
And there's a sale on cream cheese and lox.
Nosh on some blintzes and bratwurst.
Not in the mood for Jack-In-The-Box
Oy vey!

We gonna schlepp on through to Flatbush Avenue
Kielbasa and chopped liver
We gonna schlepp on through to Flatbush Avenue
Or maybe they'll deliver
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sometimes You Feel Like A Nut part of food medley, 1984
(parody of "Suddenly Last Summer" by The Motels)
entered by Dave Rossi (dprossi@mail.webspan.net)

Sometimes you feel like a nut
Sometimes you don't
Peter Paul Almond Joy's got nuts
Mounds don't
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Take The L Out Of Liver part of food medley, 1984
(parody of "Take The L." by The Motels)
entered by Dave Rossi (dprossi@mail.webspan.net)

Take the L out of liver
And it's iver
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Matter of Crust

occasionally part of food medley
(parody of "Matter Of Trust" by Billy Joel)
submitted by Mike "Stoots" Stutz (dstutz@sparc.isl.net)

Some bread, you can get bargain-priced.
And every loaf you buy begins with a singular slice.
But you know it will go stale again...
Always does, its just a question of "when?"

I've lived long enough to have learned
The longer it stays in the toaster, the more it gets burned...
But that can't happen to us.
Because it's always been a matter of crust!
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Food Medley

as performed in 1985
[thanks to "Happy Steve" Chai (happy@cmu.edu) for contributing info to this
song]

[parody of "Hold Me Now" by The Thompson Twins]
I had a pizza,
Covered with cheese.
I wrapped it all up in aluminum foil,
Stuck it back in the freeze.

Look at my crust now,
See what I mean.
It's getting all wrinkled,
And my pepperoni is hairy and green.

Ah, 'cause it's moldy now,
It got moldy fast.
How can I
Make leftovers last, make leftovers last?

I was so hungry,
What could I do?
I finished the pizza
And topped it all off with some mystery stew.

Now I feel kinda queasy,
Yeah, yeah, what can I say?
So I called my physician
To wish him that he'd make a house call today.

[parody of "Doctor! Doctor!" by The Thompson Twins]
Woah, 'cause he's my doctor, doctor,
And his name is Bernie, Bernie.
Oh, doctor, doctor,
I'm feelin' pretty dismal.

Doctor, doctor,
And his name is Bernie, Bernie.
Oh, doctor, doctor,
Where's my Pepto Bismol?

[parody of "Mistake No. 3" by Culture Club]
The first steak I ordered,
It wasn't very hot.
I had to send it back,
Let 'em have one more shot.
But the second steak I ordered,
Well it was lousy too.
Now I really hate to say it,
But there's one thing that you gotta do.

Make me steak number three, yeah.
Make me steak number three.
Make me steak number three, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Make me steak number three.

[parody of "Sister Christian" by Night Ranger]
Burger King!
What's the price for fries?
I'll take the jumbo size!
I need fast food tonight!

[parody of "Don't You (Forget About Me)" by Simple Minds]
Hey! Oooh! Oh!
One rule you all should obey:
Eat from the four basic food groups everyday.
Have bread, and vegetables too,
Some dairy products, but whatever you do

Don't you forget about meat.
Don't, don't, don't, don't,
Don't you forget about meat.

[parody of "Girls Just Want To Have Fun" by Cyndi Lauper]
I know to keep a woman satisfied.
When I whip out my Diner's Card their eyes get so wide.
They're always in the mood for something to munch.
Ah girls, they wanna have lunch.
Ah, girls just wanna have...

That's all they really want,
Some lunch.
Don't ask 'em to dinner
Or breakfast or brunch,
'Cause girls, they wanna have lunch.
Ah, girls just wanna have lunch.

Girls they want, wanna have lunch, girls, wanna have...

[parody of "Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor]
Fat and weak, what a disgrace.
Guess the champ got too lazy.
Ain't gonna fly now, he's just takin' up space.
Sold his gloves, threw his eggs down the drain.

But he's no bum, he lives down the street.
He bought the neighborhood deli.
Back on his feet, now he's choppin' up meat.
Come inside, maybe you'll hear him say,

Try the rye or the kaiser,
They're on special tonight.
Let me please be your catering advisor.
If you want substitutions,
I won't put up a fight.
You can have your roast beef on the rye or the kaiser.

[parody of "I Love Rock 'n Roll" by Joan Jett & The Blackhearts]
I hear those ice cream bells and I start to drool.
Keep a couple quarts in my locker at school.
Yeah, but chocolate's gettin' old,
Vanilla just leaves me cold.
There's just one flavor good enough for me, yeah me!
Don't gimme no crummy taste spoon, I know what I need.

Baby, I love rocky road,
So won't you go and buy half a gallon, baby?
I love rocky road,
Now have another triple scoop with me!
Ow!

[parody of "Maneater" by Hall & Oates]
Oh, oh, here she comes.
Boy, she likes that processed meat.
Oh, oh, here she comes.
She's Spameater!

[parody of "Feel Like Makin' Love" by Bad Company]
Baby, when we go to parties,
I drink a buncha beer.
Then my tummy starts a-grumblin'
Feelin' queer.

And then I feel like
I feel like throwin' up!
I feel like throwin' up!
Feel like throwin' up on you.

[parody of "Desperado" by The Eagles]
Avocado,
What makes you think you're so holy?
You're gonna be guacamole before too long.

Oh, you're a green one,
You know that you're out of season.
You'd better let somebody eat you,
Let somebody eat you.
Ya better let somebody eat you
Before it's too late.

[parody of "Whole Lotta Love" by Led Zeppelin]
Wanna whole lotta lunch!
Wanna whole lotta lunch!
Wanna whole lotta lunch!
Wanna whole lotta lunch!

Way down inside!
Woman, you need
LUNCH!

[parody of "My Sharona" by The Knack]
Goin' to the market now, market now.
I'm the city's biggest bologna buyer.
Walkin' down the shopping aisle, shopping aisle,
Filling up my basket with Oscar Meyer.

Never gonna stop, eat it up,
Such a tasty snack.
I always eat too much, and throw up,
But I'll soon be back
For my-my-my-y-y woo!

M-m-m-m-m-m-m-my-my-my-y-y woo!
M-m-m-my bologna.
M-m-m-my bologna.
M-m-m-my bologna.
M-m-m-my bologna!
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Anniversary Song

w/ Barnes & Barnes for Dr. D's 15 anniversary show, 1985

In the year of 1970,
Underneath the old smogberry tree,
First was heard a man that we all know,
The one and only Dr. Demento.

Nixon, Ford, and Carter, Reagan too.
Remember all they did and didn't do?
Through it all, one consistency:
Spending once a week with Dr. D.

So wind your radios way up tight,
Raise your glasses high tonight.
Like wine, his spirit has fermented,
So here's to him, the one who stays demented.

Changes come, seasons pass,
Like Alice through the looking glass.
He shares a world of madness that we cheer
For fifteen roly poly years.

So wind your radios way up tight,
Raise your glasses high tonight.
Like wine, his spirit has fermented,
So here's to him, the one who stays demented.

Don't forget to stay demented!

Everybody sing!
He has a very friendly, fuzzy face,
And nobody could ever take his place.
His fans around the globe will never dwindle,
'Cause he fits so many records on his spindle.

Stacks of laughing wax from floor to ceiling.
Well, it gives him such a warm internal feeling.
Whether you're Italian or Egyptian,
He's bound to fill your musical prescription.

Wind your radios way up tight,
Raise your glasses high tonight.
Like wine, his spirit has fermented,
So here's to him, the one who stays demented.

Wind your radios way up tight,
Raise your glasses high tonight.
Like wine, his spirit has fermented,
So here's to him, the one who stays demented.

In the year of 1970,
Underneath the old smogberry trees,
First was heard a man that we all know,
The one and only Dr. Demento.
Yeah.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Holiday Greetings

radio station promo record, 1987

Hi, this is "Weird Al" Yankovic, and I'd just like to take this opportunity
to say:
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
ME-E-E-E-ERY CHRISTMAS!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Hello, this is "Weird Al" Yankovic, hoping that your new year isn't a
torture-filled living hell, and that you finally decide to do something
worthwhile with your miserable, wretched lives. Thank you.

Hello, this is "Weird Al" Yankovic, and I'd like to wish you all a merry
Christmas and a happy new year. And to all my Japanese friends, feliz
navidad!

Hi, this is "Weird Al" Yankovic, wishing you and yours a very merry
Christmas. And now, here's a cheery little number I wrote about death,
destruction, and the end of the world, called "Christmas At Ground Zero".

Hello, this is "Weird Al" Yankovic.
You know, some of my favorite memories are those of Christmastime. I still
remember when I was a little boy, just waiting for the big day. Mom would
be cooking up a mess of boysenberry and tunafish burritos for our big
Christmas dinner, and dad would be decorating the tree with little bits of
Spam.
And then, the big day would finally arrive. I'd stay up all night and wait
for Santa, a-and when he finally showed up, we'd all hold his hands down in
the waffle maker until he promised to give us everything we wanted!
Ah, yeah, those were the days. Well, Merry Christmas everybody, and, let's
do lunch.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Holiday Greetings

radio station promo record, 1988

Hi, this is "Weird Al" Yankovic. Remember, if you have one or two of those
traditional blueberry daiquiris this holiday season, please, let somebody
else drive.

Hello, this is "Weird Al" Yankovic, urging you to remember the true meaning
of the Christmas season, and also to buy as many copies of my new album as
you possibly can! Ah-HAHAHAHA! AH-HA! Heh.

This is "Weird Al" Yankovic! Go ahead, GO AHEAD! Have a Merry Christmas,
see if I care!
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Polka Patterns

Square One TV, 1991
(song not written by Al)

Everywhere, I see them there,
I stop and stare at patterns.
I don't care, I must declare
I've got a flair for patterns.
On my hair, the clothes I wear,
My savoir faire is patterns.
All I see is patterns,
The patterns that repeat.

Let's go into the bathroom!
I know we're in a room where you would not expect much math.
Usually you're in here for a shower or a bath.
But if you gaze upon the floor, and if you're kinda smart,
You'll see the repetition is like geometric art.
Wow, haha! Look.

Everywhere, I see them there,
I stop and stare at patterns.
I don't care, I must declare
I've got a flair for patterns.
On my hair, the clothes I wear,
My savoir faire is patterns.
All I see is patterns,
The patterns that repeat.

Hey!
A polkameister like myself never has to be bored.
I just grab my ax and play some patterns on my keyboard.
Now's the time for earplugs if you care about your health,
So stand back, everybody, I'm gonna express myself!
Look at this! Patterns!
I've got blisters on my fingers!
Woo! Hey! Aw, get down!
Yeah! Help me, somebody! Woo!

Still there? Okay.
Next time you find yourself at an exciting polka party,
You can make some patterns with your feet and with your body.
If you don't know the steps yet, here's the gang with all the answers.
Ladies and gentlemen, introducing, the "Weird Al" Polka Dancers!
Here they are!

Everywhere, we see them there,
We stop and stare at patterns.
We don't care, we must declare
We've got a flair for patterns.
On our hair, the clothes we wear,
Our savoir faire is patterns.
All we see is patterns,
The patterns that repeat.

Wallpaper, skyscrapers, funny papers, patterns!
Evergreens, nouvelle cuisine, human beings, patterns!
Garden rakes, wedding cakes, rattlesnakes, patterns!
Golden wheat, little feet, my heartbeat...
I gotta stop!
Patterns! Patterns! Patterns! Patterns!
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chicken Pot Pie

performed in the food medley since 1992
(parody of "Live And Let Die" by Guns N' Roses, originally by Paul
McCartney & Wings)
From: CBarnes@ix.netcom.com (Carlotta Barnes)
Thanks to a friend in the Midwest who has it on audiotape, here are THE
LYRICS to Chicken Pot Pie:

When we were young, Bernie's deli was down the block.
He made a great liver pate (You know he did, you know he did, you know he did)
But if there's one thing in this world that I like better
Than a corned beef on rye
It's chicken pot pie (chicken pot pie)

(Followed by a chorus of the greatest chicken-cluck imitations you ever
heard.)
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Snack All Night

performed in the food medley in 1992-93
(parody of "Black Or White" by Michael Jackson)
(Special thanks to Mike Hoffman: videot@tezcat.com)
(As performed at the Oak Theater in Chicago, Friday, November 13, 1992)

I'm never satisfied with three meals a day
While the world is sleeping I'll be munching away
Gonna sneak into the kitchen, gonna tiptoe down and turn on the light
Right, yeah, if no one's 'round to see you, it don't matter if you snack all night

A million chicken bones are under my bed
A pile of Twinkie wrappers all 'round my head
Jelly doughnuts to the left of me,
Got a bag of chocolate chips on the right
Right, yeah, if you don't mind the cal'ries, it don't matter if you snack all night
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Green Eggs and Ham

performed in the food medley since 1994
as sung live on August 23, 1994 in Danbury, CT
(parody of "Numb" by U2 and _Green Eggs and Ham_ by Dr. Seuss)
entered by Dave Rossi (dprossi@eden.rutgers.edu)

I do not like Green Eggs and Ham
I do not like them.
Sam, I am.

I do not like them here or there.
I do not like them anywhere.
I do not like them in a boat.
I would not, could not, with a goat.

I will not eat them in the rain.
I do not like them on a train.
I do not like them in a box.
I will not eat them with a fox.

I do not like them in a house.
I would not, could not, with a mouse.
I do not like Green Eggs and Ham.
I do not like them.
Sam, I am.

Green Eggs and Ham
Green Eggs and Ham
Don't like Green Eggs and Ham.

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'll Repair For You

Al's new theme to "Home Improvement", as performed live on the Bad Hair Day tour
(parody of "I'll Be There For You (Theme from 'Friends')" by The Rembrandts)

So you got dry rot
And your water pressure's weak.
The trash compactor's broke,
Your roof has sprung a leak.
You just found out your toilet's overflowed,
And your smoke detector's smoking,
And your heater's gonna explode.
But...

I'll repair for you,
When your roof starts to fall.
I'll repair for you,
All the cracks in your wall.
I'll repair for you,
Every nail, bolt, and screw.

Your washer's busted
And your faucet drips all night.
You've got some termites
With a healthy appetite.
Well, have no fear, I'll patch up every hole.
And I'm licensed, and I'm bonded,
Even se habla espaņol.
So...

I'll repair for you,
When your doorknobs are loose.
I'll repair for you,
When your plunger's no use.
I'll repair for you,
With some caulk and hot glue.

I am prepared to tackle
All kinds of paint and spackle.
You got a leaky shower,
I'll be there in an hour.
With stucko, bricks, and plaster,
I am a Jedi Master.
We'll help you through your crisis.
Check out our low, low prices too!

Your floors are sagging
And your plumbing's shot.
Well, if you don't mind my hair butt crack
Every time that I squat,
Then...

I'll repair for you,
Anything that you need.
I'll repair for you,
And the work's guaranteed.
I'll repair for you,
I'll rewire it too.

I'll repair for you.
I'll repair for you.
I'll repair for you.
Every nail, bolt, and screw.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Laundry Day

performed in medley since 1996
(parody of "Come Out And Play" by Offspring)

Gotta keep 'em separated!

You like the latest fashions.
You like to keep 'em clean.
You take a trip every week to the laundromat
Throw a load in the washing machine.
Now if you don't wanna ruin your clothes,
You gotta sort 'em out first, as anyone knows.
Remember bright colors and the others don't mix.
Before you wash 'em up, wash 'em up, wash 'em up, wash 'em up

Hey! Are your undies turnin' pink?
Take 'em out. (Gotta keep 'em separated!)
Hey! Are your cottons gonna shrink?
Sort 'em out. (Gotta keep 'em separated!)

Hey! And when it's time,
You can stick 'em in the dryer, you can hang 'em on the line.
Hey! It's laundry day!
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Gee, I'm A Nerd

performed in medley since 1996
(parody of "Free As A Bird" by The Beatles)

Gee, I'm a nerd.
Seen each "Star Trek" eighty times,
Memorized each word.

Home alone, on Friday night.
But I've got eight gigabytes
Left on my hard drive.

I'm hooked as I can get
Into the Internet.
Maybe you would like to see my web page.
I love my new PC,
It means the world to me.
So many things to download.

Gee, I'm a nerd.
All the jocks and muscleheads
Flip me the bird.
'Cause I'm a nerd.
Gee, I'm a...
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Weird Al Show theme song

theme to the CBS Saturday morning TV series

Oh, this is a story 'bout a guy named Al
And he lived in a sewer with his hamster pal.
But the sanitation workers really didn't approve,
So he packed up his accordion and had to move
To a city in Ohio where he lived in a tree
And he worked in a nasal decongestant factory
And he played on the company bowling team
And every single night he had a strange recurring dream
Where he was wearing lederhosen in a vat of sour cream,
But that's really not important to the story.

Well the very next year he met a dental hygienist
With a spatula tattooed on her arm.
But he didn't keep in touch, and he lost her number,
Then he got himself a job on a tater tot farm.
And he spent his life savings on a split-level cave
Twenty miles below the surface of the earth,
And he really makes a mighty fine jelly bean and pickle sandwich,
For what it's worth.

Then, one day, Al was in the forest, trying to get a tan,
When he heard the tortured screaming of a funny little man.
He was caught in a bear trap, and Al set him free.
And the guy that he rescued was grateful as could be.
And it turns out he's a big shot producer on TV
So he gives Al a contract, and what do you know...
Now he's got his very own Weird Al Show!
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Water Is Wet

from "The Weird Al Show" episode [3603] (9-13-97)

Water is wet.
Oh water is wet.
How much wetter could water get?
Not any wetter at all, I bet.
Oh water is wet.

Yes, water is wet.
Wetter than an onion or a chia pet.
It's the very wettest thing that I've seen yet.
Oh water, water, water, water, water, water, water, water, water, water,
water, wat-er (*sprayed with a fire hose*)
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------

I Like You

from "The Weird Al Show" episode [3604] (9-20-97)

Oh, I like you.
Yes I do.
And I know you like me too.
You're my friend when I feel blue.
Oh I like you.

Oh I really, really, really, really like you.
Yes I really, really, really, really like you.
Oh I re... (*channel change*)

Oh I really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really,
really, really, really, really like you.
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Lousy Haircut

from "The Weird Al Show" episode [3604] (9-20-97) (parody of "Firestarter"
by Prodigy)

I'm so angry at my idiotic barber.
Think I'll stand here 'till it grows out a little.
Got a lousy haircut.
A really stupid haircut.
What a silly haircut.
I can't believe this haircut.
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Cheese

from "The Weird Al Show" episode [3602] (9-27-97)

Cheese is good. Cheese is nice.
In a spread or by the slice.
Cheese for me. Cheese for you.
Rats love cheese, and hamsters too.
Cheese. Cheese. Cheese.
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The Al's Mailbag Theme Song

from "The Weird Al Show" episode [3607] (10-25-97)

Letters.
I get letters.
So many letters.
A whole bunch of letters.
I'd even read mail from a cow.
It's time for Al's mailbag now.

It's the Al's mailbag theme song.
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There's Someone At The Door

from "The Weird Al Show" episode [3607] (10-25-97)

There's someone at the door.
There's someone at the door.
There's someone at the door.
Please don't make me sing anymore.
Can't you see that there's someone at the door?
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Gotta Open The Door

from "The Weird Al Show" episode [3607] (10-25-97)

Gotta open the door.
Gotta open the door.
Gotta open the door. (Gotta open that door!)
Gotta open the door. (Gotta open that door!)
Gotta open the door. (Gotta open that door!)
ugh, huh. (Open that door.)

Wait a minute.

I can't. I can't. I just can't open that door. (You've gotta!)
I can't. I can't. I just can't open that door. (You've gotta!)
I can't, can't, no, can't do it.

Should I open it? (yeah!)
Should I open the door? (yeah!)
Is someone outside? (yeah!)
Well, maybe I should answer it then. (Perhaps.)

But first I just have to ask...
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Who's At The Door?

from "The Weird Al Show" episode [3607] (10-25-97)

Who's at the door?
Who wants to come inside?
I said, who's at the door?
Don't stand out there and hide.
Is it Sam or Joe or Fran or Bill or Bob or Clyde?
Who-o-o-o-o's a-a-a-at the doo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-r?
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Tahj Mowry

from "The Weird Al Show" episode [3607] (10-25-97)

Tahj Mowry, you wacky swinging cat.
Tahj Mowry. Tahj Mowry, would you like fries with that?
Mr. Tahj Mowry, now welcome to The Weird Al Show.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------

What's With The Singing?

from "The Weird Al Show" episode [3607] (10-25-97)

What's with the singing?
He really wants to know.
What's with the singing?
It irritates him so.
What's with the sing--
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why Don't We Show A Clip Now?

from "The Weird Al Show" episode [3607] (10-25-97)

Why don't we show a clip now?
Why don't we show a clip now, mon?
Why don't we show a clip now?
Let's show a clip right now.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why Did You Come On This Stupid Show?

from "The Weird Al Show" episode [3607] (10-25-97)

Why did you come (Why did you come)
On this stupid show? (This stupid show)
Everyone watching (Everyone watching)
Would sure like to know. (Sure like to know)
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------

I Made You Into A Freak

from "The Weird Al Show" episode [3607] (10-25-97)

I made you into a freak.
You're the freakiest thing I've seen all week.
I may be an accordion playing geek
But my friend, you're a full fledged freak.
And I'm not kidding.
I made you into a big fat frea-ea-ea-ea-ea-eak.
Oh yeah.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------

I Quit

from "The Weird Al Show" episode [3607] (10-25-97)

I quit, I quit, I quit.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's Nice To Be Nice

from "The Weird Al Show" episode [3607] (10-25-97)

Oh... (*Papa Boolie smashes ukulele*)
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Kitty Song

from "The Weird Al Show" episode [3612] (11-11-97)

I'm a little kitty. Meow, meow.
I'm a little kitty. Meow, meow.
When I'm dirty, I lick my fur.
When I'm happy, I purr, purr, purr.

Oh, I'm a little kitty. Meow, meow.
I'm a little kitty. Meow, meow.
Kitties all day and kitties all night.
Kitties to the left, and kitties to the right.

Oh, I'm a little kitty. Meow, meow.
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Auld Lang Syne (The Weird Al Show Version)

from "The Weird Al Show" episode [3613] (11-29-97)

Should auld acquaintance be forgot
And never brought to mind
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
In days of auld lang syne

In auld lang syne, my dear
In auld lang syne
*mumble mumble mumble*
In days of auld lang syne
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Ballad Of Kent Marlow

from "Safety Patrol" (Wonderful World Of Disney, ABC, 3-29-98)

You did a really rotten thing
And let Scout take all the blame.
You wrecked his reputation,
And left that poor boy in shame.
Yeah, but now I think it's time
To show who really did the crime.
Kent Marlow, you're a dirty, lyin', worthless hunk of slime.

Kent Marlow, you're a dirty, cheatin',
Lyin', no good, lousy, stinkin',
Back stabbin', scum suckin', worthless hunk of slime.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------