HOW TO BE AN XR3 DRIVER

DOs
===

Do make sure you are wearing  a) a cap-sleeved T-shirt
                              b) driving gloves
                              c) sun-tan
                              d) tight jeans
                              e) a really mean expression

DO drive as close to the middle of the road as possible so that no-one can
overtake.

DO cover the rear view mirror - it only distracts you and people behind
are of no consiquence anyway.

DO fit an expensive stereo to your XR3 not less that 100 watts per
channel.

DO play mind-numbingly inane disco records at full volume with the windows
open particularly  a) after 11pm and
                   b) Before 8am in built up areas.

DO make sure you overtake cyclists not more that 3" away and not less that
60 mph.

DO pick your nose whilst standing still in traffic.

DO park at least 5 feet from the kerb.


DON'Ts
======

DON'T let anyone overtake you (aircraft the possible exception).

DON'T use the middle or slow lanes of motorways at any time, REAL drivers
always go in the fast lane.

DON'T hesitate to flash your lights at anyone who has the audacity to be
driving in your lane (this may be a bit difficult if they are behind you
so use your initiative here).

DON'T open the bonnet when people are around or they will see what a
pathetic performance car you've really got.

DON'T remove any stripes or bits of plastic from the car - it can take at
least 0.0000001 miles per hour off the performance.

DON'T cut up milk floats - leave this to XR2s.

DON'T race with anyone who has the faintest chance of beating you (Skodas,
Citroen Dyanes and lorries are safest).

DON'T park in one parking space - come on now you've got an XR3!!! It may
only be a small car but make it big, park across the road!!

DON'T mention you've got an XR3 when in the company of anyone with a real
sports car - remember you are a driver not a comedian!

DON'T wait to have your pre-frontal lobotomy until you buy your XR4, there
is no time like the present and we must get rid of that small particle of
brain lodged in your skull before it does too much damage.

DON'T indicate, look in any mirrors, let anyone cut in, pull out or shake
it all about or travel in front of you in ignorant bliss, not realising
that the most exceptionally beautiful example of mutton dressed as lamb is
sitting behind them.

Tolerance is a great XR3 driver's virtue - lets not waste it on other road
users!!