ńŽ caption: `world forum'ńŚ É An important-looking current affairs set. On the back wall behind the presenter huge letters say: `World Forum'é Presenter: Good evening. Tonight is indeed a unique occasion in the history of television. We are very privileged, and deeply honoured to have with us in the studio, Karl Marx, founder of modern socialism, and author of the `Communist Manifesto'. É(Karl Marx is sitting at a desk; he nods)é Vladimir Ilich Ulyanov, better known to the world as Lenin, leader of the Russian Revolution, writer, statesman, and father of modern communism. É(shot of Lenin also at a desk; he nods)é Che Guevara, the Cuban guerrilla leader. É(shot of Guevara)é And Mao Tse-tung, leader of the Chinese Communist Party since 1949. É(shot of Mao; the presenter picks up a card)é And the first question is for you, Karl Marx. The Hammers - the Hammers is the nickname of what English football team? The Hammers? É(shot of Karl Marx furrowing his brow - obviously he hasn't a clue)é No? Well bad luck there, Karl. So we'll go onto you Che. Che Guevara - Coventry City last won the FA Cup in what year? É(cut to Che looking equally dumbfounded)é No? I'll throw it open. Coventry City last won the FA Cup in what year? É(they all look blank)é No? Well, I'm not surprised you didn't get that. It was in fact a trick question. Coventry City have ĘŤneverĘŚ won the FA Cup. So with the scores all equal now we go onto our second round, and Lenin it's your starter for ten. Teddy Johnson and Pearl Carr won the Eurovision Song Contest in 1959. What was the name of the song? ... Teddy Johnson and Pearl Carr's song in the 1959 Eurovision Song Contest? Anybody? É(buzzer goes a la `University Challenge': zoom in on Mao Tse-tung)é Yes, Mao Tse-tung? Mao Tse-tung: `Sing Little Birdie'? Presenter: Yes it was indeed. Well challenged. É(applause)é Well now we come on to our special gift section. The contestant is Karl Marx and the prize this week is a beautiful lounge suite. É(curtains behind the presenter sweep open to reveal a beautiful lounge suite; terrific audience applause; Karl comes out and stands in front of this display; the presenter treats him with Michael Miles unctuousness)é Now Karl has elected to answer questions on the workers' control of factories so here we go with question number one. Are you nervous? É(Karl nods his head; the presenter reads from a card)é The development of the industrial proletariat is conditioned by what other development? Karl: The development of the industrial bourgeoisie. É(applause)é Presenter: Yes, yes, it is indeed. You're on your way to the lounge suite, Karl. Question number two. The struggle of class against class is a what struggle? A what struggle? Karl: A political struggle. É Tumultuous applause.é Presenter: Yes, yes! One final question Karl and the beautiful lounge suite will be yours ... Are you going to have a go? É(Karl nods)é You're a brave man. Karl Marx, your final question, who won the Cup Final in 1949? Karl: The workers' control of the means of production? The struggle of the urban proletariat? Presenter: No. It was in fact, Wolverhampton Wanderers who beat Leicester 3-1. É Cut to stock film of a goal being scored in a big football match. Roars from the crowd. Stock footage of football crowds cheering.é Voice Over: É(andé ńŽcaptionńŚÉ:)é ńŽ`in "world forum" today: karl marx, che guevara, lenin and mao tse-tung. next week, four leading heads of state of the afro-asian nations against bristol rovers at molineux'ńŚ ńŽ animation:ńŚ Ésketch leading to a stock drawing of a First World War trench scene - barbed wire against the sky with a helmet stuck on a bayonet.é Voice Over: É(andé ńŽcaptionńŚÉ:)é ńŽ`in 1914, the balancc of power lay in ruins. europe was plunged into bloody conflict. nation fought nation. but no nation fought nation morely than the english hip hip hooray! nice, nice! yah boo. phillips is a german and he have my pen'ńŚ Different Voice Over: É(andé ńŽcaptionńŚÉ:)é ńŽ`start again'ńŚ Voice Over: É(andé ńŽcaptionńŚÉ:)é ńŽ'in 1914, the balance of power lay in ruins ...'ńŚ É Mix through to close up of a harmonica being played by a British Tommy.é ńŽ caption: `Ypres 1914'ńŚ É The camera pulls slowly out, with the plaintive harmonica still playing, to reveal the interior of a bunker in the trenches. Sitting around on old ammunition boxes etc. are the harmonica player, Private Jenkins, Sergeant Jackson, a padre with no arms, a sheikh, a Viking warrior, a male mermaid, a nun, a milkman and a Greek Orthodox priest. Sounds of warfare throughout, shells thudding, explosions etc.é Sergeant: É(looking round rather uncomfortably at the strange collection)é Jenkins? Jenkins: É(equally uncomfortable about playing such a tender scene in front of sheiks etc.)é Yes, sir. Sergeant: What are you going to do when you get back to Blighty? Jenkins: I dunno, sarge ... I expect I'll be looking after me mum. She'll be getting on a bit now. Sergeant: Got a family of your own 'ave you? Jenkins: No, she's ... she's all I got left now. My wife, Doreen ... she ... I got a letter ... Sergeant: You don't have to tell me, son. Jenkins: No, sarge, I'd like to tell you, see this place ... É Cut to long shot of bunker. Floor manager strides onto set.é Floor Manager: Hold it. Hold it. Look, loves ... can anyone not involved in this scene, please leave the set. É(he starts to herd out anyone not in First War costumer)é Now! Come on please. Anyone not concerned in this scene, the canteen's open upstairs. É(sheikh, male mermaid etc. troop off)é Now come on please. É(to soldiers)ééSorry loves. Sorry. We'll have to take it again, from the top. All right. OK ... Cue! ÉBack to identical shot of harmonica-playing tommy; he plays a few bars.é ńŽ caption: `knickers 1914'ńŚ É Cut to long shot. The floor manager rushes on again. The caption remains superimposed.é Floor Manager: Hold it. Hold it. Now, who changed the caption? Can whoever changed the caption put the right one back immediately ĘŤpleaseĘŚ. ńŽ caption: `ypres 1914'ńŚ Floor Manager: Right. All right, we'll take it from the top. Cue. É(back to identical shot of harmonica-playing tommy with correct caption superimposed; slow pull out as before; the floor manager rushes on again)é Hold it. Hold it. É(he goes behind some sandbags looking extremely irritated)é Come on. Come on, out of there. É(he hauls a spaceman and hustles him off the set)é You're not ĘŤinĘŚ this ... you're only holding the whole thing up. É(turning to studio as a whole)é Come on please. It's no good, loves. It's no good. We'll have to leave it for now. Come back when everyone's settled doww a bit. So that means we go over to the Art Room, all right. So cue camera three! É(cut to Guevara caught in a hot embrace with Karl Marx)é Sorry, camera ĘŤfourĘŚ. É Cut to Art Gallery. A large sign says: `Italian Masters of the Renaissance'. Two art critics wandering through. They stop in front of a large Titian canvas. The canvas is about ten foot high by six foot wide.é First Critic: Aren't they marvellous? The strength and boldness ... life and power in those colours. Second Critic: This must be Titan's masterpiece. First Critic: Oh indeed - if only for the composition alone. The strength of those foreground figures ... the firmness of the line ... Second Critic: Yes, the confidence of the master at the height of his powers. É At this point a man in a country smock and straw hat and a straw in his mouth comes up to the painting and with a very businesslike manner presses the nipple of a nude in the painting. Ding dong sound of a front doorbell. He stands tapping his feet and whistling soundlessly beside the painting. He nods at the critics. Cut to the top of the painting to see that one of the figures has disappeared leaving a blank. The camera pans down the painting as we head footsteps, as if coming down a lot of stone steps. Eventually the camera comes to rest beside where the country bumpkin is standing and a door opens on the painting. We do not see who has opened it, but can assume it is the cherub.é Cherub: Yes? Bumpkin: Hello sonny, your dad in? Cherub: Yes. Bumpkin: Could I speak to him please? It's the man from `The Hay Wain'. Cherub: Who? Bumpkin: The man from `The Hay Wain' by Constable. Cherub: Dad ... it's the man from `The Hay Wain' by Constable to see you. Solomon: Coming. É Sound of footsteps. Cut to another close up on the painting and we see the main figure disappearing. This figure suddenly puts his head round the door.é Solomon: Hello? How are you? Come on in. Bumpkin: No, no can't stop, just passing by, actually. Solomon: Oh, where are you, now? Bumpkin: Well may you ask. We just been moved in next to a room full of Brueghels ... terrible bloody din. Skating all hours of the night. Anyway, I just dropped in to tell you there's been a walk-out in the Impressionists. Solomon: Walk-out, eh? Bumpkin: Yeah. It started with the `Dejeuner Sur L'Herbe' lot, evidently they were moved away from above the radiator or something. Anyway, the Impressionists are all out. Gainsborough's Blue Boy's brought out the eighteenth-century English portraits, the Flemish School's solid, and the German woodcuts are at a meeting now. Solomon: Right. We'll get the Renaissance School out. Bumpkin: OK, meeting 4:30 - `Bridge at Arles'. Solomon: OK, cheerio - good luck, son. Bumpkin: OK. É The door shuts and we hear Solomon's voice over.é Solomon: Right - everybody out. É We see various famous paintings whose characters suddenly disappear.é Voices: I'm off. I'm off. I'm off, dear. É(etc.)é