---------------------------------------------
   The school letter saga
--------------------------------------------

By Bob the Fish

---------------------------------------------

Basically, this is a transcript of the letters produced by me and my
associates from 1996 - 97, using a school letterhead I 'borrowed' from our
school computer network.

The letters are arranged in chronological order, and, although I have
ommited names of the school or the staff, the content  remains the same.

Some of the content may seem a little strange, but this is because some of
this relies on a reversal or otherwise alteration of the main text.

No offence is intended to anyone mentioned in these letters.  On  reading
them now I cannot believe I even wrote these, but thought, with names and
places removed they may make interesting reading.


NB.  I got into a great deal of trouble for these, and do not condone the
activity.  These letters are merely for your perusal, and should not be used
or otherwise imitated.  If you do, then any consequences are no
responsibility of mine.   Now that is clear, on with the letters...

Bob. =)

==================================================

{School letterhead}
                                                                                   13th June 1996                      

Dear Parents,

Cancellation of School Day

As you may be aware, the school is currently employing builders to repair
many school buildings.   Unfortunately, during the time from Monday 17th
June until Wednesday 26th June the school will be unusable, due to the
builders conducting large scale repairs on many main classrooms.   

The laws concerning education clearly state that lessons cannot take place
in rooms which are being actively repaired, and so it it with some regret
that we announce the closure of the school for that period.   School will
commence on Thursday 27th June, unless you are informed otherwise.   

All internal exams taking place during that period have been cancelled, as
when the students return there will not be enough time for them to take
place.   We apologise for any inonvenience this may have caused.

Yours sincerely

{headteacher}

============================================================

(Note.   This time I thought big, and replicated the newsletter...)

NEWSLETTER HEADING .. July 1996

Dear Parents,

Due to secretarial problems this year, mainly caused by the update of the
School's Computer Network, my previous newsletter contained much inaccurate
information.   We have now produced this updated newsletter, and wish it to
act as a replacement for the previous one!

1.	Dates until the end of this Term.

Saturday 6th July		09.45 am	New Year 7 in school
Monday 8th July				Summer Concert
Tuesday 9th July		01.30 pm	Sports Day at ---
Friday 12th to Wednesday 19th July		--- for Year & pupils
Friday 19th July				            --- Day.  Year 9 DfC issued and
						End of Year report letters destroyed.
Saturday 20th July				PTA Summer Ball Game
Monday 22nd July		02.00 pm	Swimming Gala
Wednesday 24th July		02.00 pm	Term Ends

2.	Important dates for the first half of the Autumn term.

Monday 2nd September			            INSET Day for staff.
Tuesday 3rd September			             INSET Day for staff
Wednesday 4th September	8.50 am	Term starts for all pupils
Saturday 11th September			School Photographs
Thursday 12th September	8.00 pm	New Parents' Cheese and Wisk Evening
Friday 20th September			            Year 9 Geography Field Trip
Thursday 26th September			PTA AGM	
Thursday 3rd October		6.30 pm	Open Evening
Friday 4th October				INSET Day for Staff
Saturday 5th to Tuesday 15th October	            French exchange pupils in England
Wednesday 9th October			U6th Parents' Consultation Evening
Friday 18th October				Year 11 Interim Reports issued
Monday 21st to Friday 25th October		Half Term

3.	School Roll.

The school roll is at present 921 with a 6th form of 160 but we seem set to
take on the biggest ever Year 7 of 167 and the biggest ever Sixth Form of
over 200 in next September.   The school roll would then rise to its largest
ever total in excess of 970.

4.	Staff: Teaching Resignations.

Staff turnover is much larger this year than it has been for the previous
two, but the three year average is sill under 10% (the figure generally
considered to be "healthy").   The staff who are leaving us are:

	Mrs. ---		(Head of German)
	Mr. ---		(Physics)
	Mr. ---		(PE and Games)
	Mr. ---			(Biology)
	Mr.  ---		(I.T. and Maths)
	Mrs. ---			(French and German)
	Mr. ---		(Head of English)
	Mrs ---			(Maths)

[note.  You may not understand this, as it involves references to the staff
you do not know (or at least I hope you do not know).   Don't worry, it you
had to be there]

Mrs --- is retiring after many years of teaching service.   She has been a
very successful Head of German since 1879, and is now leaving to go back to
Germany, in order to force German farmers to eradicate Mad Cow Disease from
the country altogether.

Mr --- is leaving us after being a very successful Physics teacher, if for
only 2 years.   He has now secured the position of Head of English at Oxford
University, and it will be a shame to miss him.

Mr --- is leaving after 25 years of teaching PE and Games because he has
secured one of the main parts in the new Steven Spielburg production of
"---", and is going to be a film star!

Mr --- is going to open a farm in Yorkshire, which has been his ambition for
many years.   We wish him all the luck in his new job, and the school has
donated him 24 cattle, in order to help his farm along the way.

Mr. --- has actually not been here for about 6 months, but now his
retirement is official, and he has announced that he has realised that he is
not a Doctor of Mathematics, but actually a Doctor of Medicine, and has gone
off to be a brain surgeon.   

Mrs --- has gone to work for a company who supervises the delivery of small
statues, as she has heard that many of these have been sent to the wrong
address.

Mr --- has served the English department for many years, and is now going
off to be a butler for a large family in America.   We wish him many luck in
his new job.

Mrs --- has taught Maths at --- for a long time, but she has been tempted by
a job at British Rail as an announcer.   We will miss her very interesting
lessons.

5.	Teaching Staff Appointments from September 1996

	Mr A Nihcremmals			(Head of German)
	Mrs J Kinn				(Maths)
	Ms B Manton				(Physics, Biology)
	Mr S Daniels				(PE and Games)
	Mrs P Toupbody			(French)
	Mr J Dawlish				(Maths)
	Ms C Wohnungton			(English)
	Mr R Wilkinson			(German)

{these names were just rubbish...!}

We wish them luck in their new teaching positions.

6.	Events

Events during the Summer Term tend to be concentrated into the latter part
of the term after the examination period has been completed.   This year is
no exception and events take place nearly every day at this time of the
year.

Year 8 ---, 27th and 28th June.

The whole of Year 8 spent two extremely enjoyable days taking part in our
annual ---.   Day One saw over 150 pupils and 13 staff travel to 13
different activity sites.   The activities and sites varied from visiting
cheese factories and a lunatic asylum to footpath clearing in ---, --- and
--- and a day with the rangers of --- and ---.   The issues covered in Day
one were presented to each of the other groups on Day Two back at school,
and all pupils engages in a role-play activity written by members of staff.  
Early returns of pupil evaluations of the event have been very encouraging
with 95% of students saying they had a wonderful day on the enjoyment
thermometer!   and, for the first year ever, the rain stayed away.

New Parents Evening, Thursday 27th June

Once again the parents of our new victims spent a very useful and enjoyable
evening with us prior to their sons' arrival at --- next September.   This
year the new boys will not only visit us on a Saturday morning (Saturday 6th
July) but also during a normal school day, for the morning of Thursday 11th
July.   Once again, all parents received the Parents Handbook and next years
Year 8 and Year 9 parents should receive their handbook update by the end of
the term.   Please ask your son for it and let us know if there is
information  you would have liked to receive but have not, so that we may
make our handbook service even more complete in future years.

PTA Summer Fair (Sunday 30th June)

The first event of this kind at --- form many years was a huge success.  
The weather was kind, the atmosphere was pleasant and thanks mainly to ---
who master - minded this event, the PTA made over £200 thousand profit.   My
thanks to everybody involved.

7.	Forthcoming Events.

(a)	Sports Day Tuesday 9th July at ---.   First event 1.30 pm.

(b)	Year 7 ---, Friday 12th to Wednesday 17th July.   Those pupils in Year 7
not going to --- have a number of enjoyable one-day events to look forward
to including a trip to Thorpe Park.

8.	Pupil Standard of Appearance.

In general the standard of dress in the school has deteriorated this year.  
The uniform is being worn sloppily by a growing minority of pupils and I
plead with all parents to help maintain standards which are vital to the
reputation of the school.   All pupils should have:

(i)	shirts worn over the tops of trousers instead of tucked properly in;
(ii)	the tucking into the shirt of almost the whole tie so that little is visible.   The
	collar should not be buttoned up and the tie knot should not be adjusted neatly
	into the collar;
(iii)	the wearing of trainers to and from school.

9.	School Captain and Senior Team

The new school captain is an unusual choice, being 2 years younger than the
usual age, but was selected on his incredible abilities, and not his age.  
The new school captain is [Me!!], and he has chosen not to have a vice
captain or senior prefect team.

10. 	Pupil Success

Due to unfortunate circumstances, our pupils have managed to fail to be
successful in any contests or competitions.   We must advise you to urge
your son to improve his contribution in school events.   If, on the other
hand, that your son does enter in school competitions, then he can't be very
good then, can he?

11.	Swimming Trunks.

Some parents have been annoyed about having to buy swimming trunks for use
in only a few Swimming lessons  this term.   They are going to be even more
annoyed when we reveal that next term they will have to bring swimming
trunks, a wetsuit, diving boots, an air cylinder, an aqualung and a small
submarine for swimming lessons next term.

12.	Next Term's changes in policy

As the new term starts, it is important for us to inform you of the changes
to the school policy that may affect you.   With the opening of the school
council, many decisions are made by the pupils, but now we are planning to
also allow the pupils to take up teaching positions, and to teach many
lessons.   This is a decision which is supported by many people. Also we
have decided to shift the location of the school 200 metres down the road.  
We must ask all pupils to take one brick with them as they leave the school
, and to deposit the brick 200 metres down the road.

13. 	School Telephone Number

Finally, the school is proposing to change its telephone system which will
result in a new school telephone number.   This phone number is 999, and
will be shared with the emergency services.   Please remember to state that
you want {the school] when phoning it up.

Yours sincerely,

{headteachers name]

Headteacher

=================================================================

17th December, 1996                  .                               


Dear Parents,

As you may be aware, the school biology department has a large stock of Fish
for study and investigation.   Unfortunately, in the last term, the number
of these fish has been rapidly declining.   We believe this is probably due
to these fish being ‘borrowed’ by pupils, who then forget to return them.   
	As these fish are essential to our study, we must urge all pupils to bring
in a fish in to school as a donation to the biology department.   If these
fish could be handed in to --- in room -- by the 20th of December, these
will be a valuable asset to out store of fish.   These will be a great boost
to the school’s collection of fish.
   
	If you are unable to bring in a fish for any reason, please contact me as
soon as possible, and we will organise one for you.   We would be especially
grateful if you could donate any Herrings or Trout, as these fish are
essential for our study.

	We are very grateful for your donations for this cause, and appreciate
every single fish.   Without your valuable help, the biology department
would not be half what it is today.

Yours sincerely,

 

[head of biology}

Biology Department

====================================================================

(Thinking big again...)

NEWSLETTER HEADING... December 1996

Dear Parents,

I write a somewhat longer than usual newsletter to make up for the one I failed to write in early November.   You have here then two newsletters in one!

1.	Dates for the remainder of the term.

Monday 25th November - Friday 6th December		Year 11 Trial Exams
Monday 2nd December - Friday 6th December		Year 13 Trial Exams
Monday 25th November - Friday 20th December		Year 7 Trial Exams
Tuesday 3rd December					Year 7 Maths and Science Problem Day
Thursday December 5th					Year 10 and 11 Science Modular Tests
Thursday December 12th					Year 12 and 13 GNVQ Parents’ Evening
Friday December 13th					Year 12 and 13 GNVQ Staff Evening
Monday December 16th at 7.30 p.m.			Christmas Concert Begins
Wednesday December 18th at 7.30 p.m.			Christmas Concert Interval
Thursday December 19th at 7.30 p.m.			Prize Giving
Thursday December 19th at 8.30 p.m.			Prize Taking
Friday 20th December at approx. 1.45 p.m.			End of Term
Friday 10th January at 2.30 am				Christmas Concert Ends

2.	Staff News

Mr --- has made an excellent recovery from his attack by a low flying seagull in early December, and is back, having now equipped himself with a large umbrella, and an Anti Aircraft gun.   We hope he will be able to get back into his usual teaching style.
Mr --- leaves the teaching staff at the end of this term, as he embarks on an expedition to search the world for new species of Badgers.   He will be returning to the school next year, and we hope he will be able to assist the biology department with his superior knowledge of these large omnivorous mammals.
Mr --- is also leaving the teaching staff, in order to make a large amount of money, as he struck oil when he was digging in his garden.   A large fountain of black stuff flowed out of the hole he was digging (for no particular reason), and first he thought that he had dug up an old 19th century corduroy plant, but he realised then that he had struck oil.   We wish him luck in has new job.
Mr ---, after his cover work in the science department, is also leaving, with the return of Mr ---, and he is leaving to set up a business partnership with Mr --- in the writing of picture books.   We also with him luck in his new job..

3.	Events.

Since my first newsletter of the term at the end of September there have been a number of important events.   I will briefly refer to the more significant ones here.
 
(a)	Open Evening and Open Week.

Open Evening back on the 3rd October was once again very well attended.   We estimated around 1200 individuals visited us, probably from about 500 families.   We did manage to choose the only wet evening of the Open Evening season, but our visitors still went away very depressed.   Your sons again acted as brilliant ambassadors for the school.

Over 200 families visited us during Open Week, between Monday 4th November and Friday 8th November.   Our Sixth Form play a very important role during this week, acting as guides, taking touring parties around the school, and misdirecting unsuspecting parents to strange places.   As always, our current Year 12 and 13 students did us proud, although they are still looking for 26 visitors who got lost during the event.   We now await the outcome, but we hope for a better outcome than last year, when we were, however, able to offer a place to both applicants.

(b)	---.

- deleted due to controversial content -   More recently, Mr ---, Head of Modern Languages Faculty, helped co-ordinate a link involving five Year 10 students with a French speaking school in ---.   This hour-long conference went surprisingly well, considering no-one knew what each other was talking about.

(c)	--- on November 14th.

---,  an evening of technology challenges organised  by Mr --- of the Technology Faculty.   The event was for Year 8 pupils and parents and consisted of two challenges:   the first was to design and make a working model (life size) of Mr ---, and then to project it three metres into a bucket.   The winning design was so good that Mr --- himself had to get out of the way, as he was nearly thrown into a bucket himself!   The second event was a food challenge based on the TV programme ‘Ready, Steady, Cook’.   Points were awarded for completing the task, taste and texture.   This event was poorly done by many people, as they were unaware on the correct usage of a cheese wisk.   ---, Neighbourhood Engineer, presented prizes and trophies to rousing cheers and applause.   “A rather strange evening” said one parent.   Look out for ---!

4.	Sporting Success.

(a)	I trust you were able to read of the considerable success in a range of sports achieved by --- pupils last year in the Governors’ Annual Report.   If you had been able to attend the meeting (I’m afraid only 3 parents were present), then you would have heard directly from the pupils of very special success in three different sports achieved by them.

i.	Midland Bank U16 Chin Slamming Championships.   Three boys, Andrew Chin, Boris Slammer and Jimmy Hill, in early November became the champions of the Eastern Region of England which compromises of the counties of Hertfordshire, Bedfordshire, Italy, Cambridgeshire, Norfolk, Tokyo, Suffolk and Edinburgh.   The competition is open to all schools, and the boys were eventually knocked out (literally) of the national competition by formidable opposition from Hitchin Boys School, a large independent school representing Chin Slammers of the world.   Our team did superbly well and deserve our hearty congratulations.

ii.	National Schools’ Cheese Throwing Championships (Junior).   Our team of Bob Smith, Herman Deutsch, Vac Yumecleaner and Igor Jones were placed 7th overall in the National finals of the free style Cheese firing when they went to Hull in October to contest the finals.   They were only a fraction of Cheddar away from 6th place, which would have won them a gold plated Cheese Wisk.   What an achievement!

iii.	Herts. Volcano Jumping Championships.   This success for Edwin Fish and John Dutch was achieved last summer and was reported in the last newsletter of that year.

(b)	Spicy Popadum Throwing results this year have been very encouraging indeed and a full results table will be published early next term.   The first MDXXII have had a spectacular season, and lost their first popadum only two weeks ago.   They were back to their winning ways last week, however, and now stand with a total distance of 34790 metres out of a scorable 34898, all against first class opposition.   The School Spicy Popadum Throwing Champion, Bob Fish, has led his team brilliantly, and was awarded a ceremonial old spicy popadum last week.   he deserves out warmest congratulations.

5.	Lost Property/Valuables.

Lost property continues to be a major problem, and much clothing remains unclaimed every term.   The main problem occurs, of course, after Geography and French lessons when the outrageous carelessness of many boys constantly amazes me.   Socks, shoes, ties and large aquatic mammals are regularly left in the class rooms, and very few are marked with a name.   This doesn’t worry us, as we just clean them and sell them at an outrageous price to School Outfitter’s Shops (with the exception of the large aquatic mammals, which are for sale in the Swimming Pool area).

6.	Change of Address/Telephone numbers.

Can we now remind you of the new address and telephone number for the School, which will come in from the first day back at school after the Christmas break.   The new school address is:
--- School
256 Inglebel Road
Edinburgh
Scotland
and the new school telephone number is 01298 765988.   Please try to update your address book.   This may cause a bit of chaos and havoc with the school bus transport system, so please try to organise alternative arrangements.

7.	Annual Leave Applications.

We understand the need for annual leave, but we must insist that this leave could be regulated, as we have pupils who have been taking their annual leave for the last 4 years, which is just slightly over the required limit, and we also have a member of staff who has been on leave for the last 19 years.   We have therefore been forced to limit this leave to a maximum of 2 years at a time, in order to ensure that we actually see you as some point during your stay at ---.

8.	Employment of Children.

We have received documentation recently setting out the laws over the employment of children, but we have decided not to follow the rules set out in this charter, as it would mean that most of your staff were in fact illegally employed.   There are therefore no copies available for anyone, as we have made sure that they are all destroyed.

9.	School Uniform.

It is at this time of year that I announce a change in our usual school uniform.   From the 6th January, the new school uniform will come into action.   This will consist of: A large blue floppy hat, a fluorescent yellow jacket with a 6 inch collar, a bright orange shirt with the words “Stairwell” written on it in blue letters, flared trousers, and shoes which are actually joined at the heel.   In cold weather, students are advised not to take a coat around with them, as these are often large and cumbersome, but are advised to actually detach and carry around one of the school’s radiators with them, on the condition that they return it after the school day.
 
10.	PTA Christmas Fair

The PTA Christmas Fair took place on Saturday 30th November and was extremely well attended.   As always, there was a superb atmosphere (77% Nitrogen, 28% Oxygen, etc..) and a great many of strange and interesting stalls.   The overall participation in the raffle was a little disappointing.   If all pupils sold their £3 worth of tickets then we would have almost £2,500 before the event started.   Overall, the net profit on the raffle was approximately £1,100, which was considerable, but it would be nice to do better.   Next year, we are considering actually selling the tickets, but that would be too easy.   The overall profit of the fair was in excess of £3,000, but most of this was taken up by the cleaning bill.   The profit was well spent, however, buying 4 new fish for the Biology Department.

11.	PTA School Uniform Shop.

 I must remind all parents that this facility is available at many times throughout the year.   If you read section 5, then this subject is gone into in more details.   We have a large selection of stock at the moment, which is all going cheap due to the fact that it will be obsolete in about 4 school days, but that doesn’t stop our most determined customers.    Buy as much as you can, and any profit will go towards the Downtrodden Teachers Benevolent Fund.
 
12.	Parent Governor Elections.

The result of the election was as follows:

		Mr. George Jones			5 votes
		Mrs. Susan Stairwell		4 votes
		Mr. Chin Hitter			7 votes
		Mrs. Zfedfkj Jfddijd		2 votes
		Mr. {headteacher}			23089472349857 votes.

Well, thank you for duly electing me as your new Parent Governor.   Even though I am not a parent.   Thank you very much.   No, of course it wasn’t a fix.   Thank you.

13.	Collection After Games at ---.

This request is to do with the collection of your son after games at ---.   I am afraid the drive and car park at the --- playing fields are far too restricted for parents to use on games afternoons when picking up their sons.   We have therefore decided to modernise the drive leading up to ---, and convert it into a dual carriageway.   This will also incorporate a circular junction so that it is easy for the traffic to turn around if it has gone the wrong way.

14.	Cactus Regulations

We understand that in pursuit of fashion, many pupils have begun to bring large model cut out cactuses into school, which we quite understand and allow.   However, we must remind pupils of the inherent danger of one of these.   A pupil was nearly crushed last week when one of these fell over and landed on him, and another one was stolen and thrown past a physics room, causing much confusion to the teacher inside.   The school has then decided to allow the bringing in of these cactuses, as long as they: Are smaller than 6 foot tall; Do not weigh more than 16 stone; Have the owner’s name on; and are not intended for use as a dangerous weapon.

15.	Badger Sightings

It has been noticed by a number of students that several large badgers are running free around the school.   This is quite right and proper, and comes from the decision of the School to adopt the Badger as the official school mascot, and then therefore the school has purchased 5 large badgers to represent this.   This also means a change in the school crest, which will be displayed in the next newsletter.

 16.	School Concert, 16th December

You should now have received details of our Christmas Concert which will start on Monday 16th December.   If you have not yet been given the letter by your son, then be grateful that he is trying to save you from a terrible experience.   The concert is usually a very strange and bizarre event for the whole family, and I do hope that as many as possible of you will find something else to do on that day.   One apology from the Music Department, the original letter omitted to state the timing of the end of the concert.   We hope that the dates at the beginning of this newsletter will make this clearer to you.

17.	Children in Need.

Year 7 has so far raised £273 for Children in Need.   This has been given back to Year 7 - they are Children, and they are in need (they go to ---, after all).

18.	Year 11 Morrisby Tests.

We are holding Morrisby Vocational Tests for Year 11 on January 10th.   In the past, this has been a very successful and useful service in the area of careers guidance, but so far the response from this year’s Year 11 has been extremely poor.   We surmise this is because: a. Most Year 11 pupils know that they want to do in their future career; or b. Most Year 11 pupils don’t know where they hand the letter in to; or c. Most Year 11 pupils can’t even spell Tests, let alone take them.

19.	Hot Air Balloon Competition

As a final reminder, a Hot Air Balloon Competition will be taking place on December 20th, which is open to all pupils.   This competition is for the best Hot Air Balloon Look-a-like, and will be taking place in the Lecture Theatre at 1 o Clock.   We hope we will have a good turn out for it.

Yours Sincerely, 

Headteacher.

===============================================================

10th April 1997

Dear Mr ---,

	Thank you for your kind offer to perform a dance for the school during assembly.   We would indeed appreciate this entertainment, and, in accordance with your wishes, we welcome you to perform this during Lower School assembly on Wednesday 16th April.
	We have organised musical accompaniment to your dancing, and we hope you will have a good effect on the lower school.
	The school dancing club would also be most grateful if you could attend some of their meetings, as it would be good for them to meet a true professional dancer.   If you could notify us of the best dates for this to take place.
	We thank you for your offer, and await your appearance on Wednesday.

Yours sincerely,


 
Julie Barter (non - existant)

Head of Dance (not a position) 

=================================================================

						10th April 1997

Dear Parents,

	As you probably know, it is only a short time until the beginning of the GCSE examinations, and quite naturally, there is slight worry among many parents and pupils, concerning the worry that they will fail.   --- School now presents the solution to this problem.
	We have worked with our companions in the Examining Boards to create a “cheat book” for the impending GCSE examinations.   This book includes the answers to all examinations into which the school will be entering pupils.   It will therefore be a valuable revision aid to all pupils.
	If any pupils wish to purchase this useful GCSE companion, please return the form below, with a cheque for £10.00 payable to --- School.   Please ensure that your son returns this to his form teacher, as it is important that we get all orders for this as soon as possible.
	The school regrets that we are unable to offer income support to families, as this book is highly illegal, and if we do anything official about it then we may risk prosecution.
	We hope that this book will bring your son success in his GCSE examinations, and we urge you to buy a copy.   You will not regret it!

	Yours sincerely,



Headteacher

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please return to pupil’s form teacher as soon as possible.
Please send me a copy of the GCSE Cheat Book.   
I enclose a cheque payable for £10.00.
Sons Name ____________________    Son’s Form _______________________ 
Parents Signature __________________________

===================================================================

15th May 1997
Dear Parents,

Year 8 Interaction Event

Following the success of last year's event, we propose to repeat the Year 8 Interaction Event.   On Thursday 22nd May, we invite all Year 8 parents to accompany their son into the school to take part.   The purpose of this event is to show parents exactly what your son does at school all day.   This is your opportunity for you to join him!

Attendance is not compulsory, but small prizes will be awarded to the most enthusiastic parent, the most creative parent and the parent who does the most work during the day.

The day will start at 8:55 with registration in your son’s form room (we trust he will be able to direct you around the school). Lessons will then proceed as normal, with parents accompanying their son around the school, taking part in the lessons.

Breaks take place at 11:30 and 1:05 during the day, the latter being a chance for you to have lunch in the school canteen, and maybe afterwards partake in a game of football with your son on the back field.

Lessons continue as normal at 2:00, until the day ends at 3:35.  This may be an opportunity for you to experience your son’s journey home.

We hope as many parents as possible will be able to take part in this unique and enlightening insight into your son’s life at the school, and that it may stir some memories of your schooldays!

Yours sincerely,


Deputy Head

===================================================================

20th May 1997

Dear Parents,

Science Fiction Convention

It is my pleasure to invite you to the annual School Science Fiction Convention.   This school event has been taking place for the last 3 years at the school, and has proved to be a great success among Parents and Pupils alike.   We invite you to attend the Convention on Saturday 24th May, in the school library.   The convention will be opened at 10.00 am by our guest speaker, {member of staff}, star of many science fiction programmes, particularly the cult series, Star Trek.

The day will then proceed to several presentations by other science fiction stars, with possibly an appearance by Mr {member of staff} performing his many impressions of creatures from Doctor Who.   At the end of the day our Headteacher, {his name} will reveal his true identity as a Wookie from Star Wars.

After that, you are all free to go home.

We hope as many of you are able to attend this remarkable opportunity to see the school at one of our most popular functions, and this will be an event you will all remember.

Yours Sincerely,

 
Arnauld Squiggle (non - existant)

School Psychiatrist (ditto)

=====================================================================

I recieved this letter shortly afterwards...

26th May 1997,

Dear Mr and Mrs ---,

I enclose copies of a letter (see above) your son produced on the school computer network, using a copy of the school letterhead.  

As you can see, the content of this letter is clearly unacceptable, and is not the sort of thing we expect from our students.

If this continues, we know no option but to ban him from the use of the school computer network.

Yours,


Deputy Head.

==================================================================

I also got my own rule in the school code of conduct:

I quote:

10. Pupils who print out letters to be sent out of school shoud NOT use the school logo.

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Addenda: I am still at the school, as of October 1997, am studying for my A - Levels, and editing the school unnoficial satirical newspaper... 

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Bob the Fish -   >-O> - bringing surrealism to new heights

BobFish@Digibank.Demon.Co.Uk

9th October 1997, and counting... (Every day - august the 4th gets one day closer...)

But what happens on August the 4th???  (answers on a postman)

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Addenda: I am still at the school, as of October 1997, am studying for my A - Levels