The Canonical Collection of Light Bulb Jokes
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Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, One to write the
light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator
to make sure that nobody else tries to change the bulb at the same time.

Q: How many intelligent Maths Teachers does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: Both of them.

Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to change the bulb and one not to change it.
Note: 1 to change and 1 not to change is fake Zen.
A: The true Zen answer is four. One to change the bulb.

Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the
old light bulb was.

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with
brightly coloured machine tools.
- I love this one .. cp=)

Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it sure takes a load of light bulbs!

Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three: One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation
specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.

Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, the bulb will change itself when it is ready.

Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.

Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number to dial one
of their subordinates to actually change it.

Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-001,
Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the
pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the
definitions are of the form "A ------" consists of sequences of non-blank
characters separated by blanks".

Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first
one.

Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in, and the other to say "Fabulous!"

Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.

Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: One to change the bulb, one to witness, and the third to shoot
the witness.

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That's a hardware problem.

Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.

Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment
of license fee.

Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.

Q: How many "Real Men" does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: None. "Real Men" aren't afraid of the dark.
A2: None of your damn business!

Q: How many "Real Women" does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. A "Real Woman" would have plenty of real men around to do it.

Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two.
- this is an american file, so it needed this:
(Hint: they are small enough to fit inside)
- insert thick american comment here ___________ -cp=)

Q: How many Polacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike!

Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

Q: How many Generals/Politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb, and 1,000,000 to rebuild
civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.

Q: How many med students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under
him.

Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, but they're really one.

Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.

Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's not funny!

Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.

Q: How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw
itself in.

Q: How many thick people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10: One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.

Q: How many strong thick people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 115: One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.

Q: How many thick gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.

Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.

Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifty-one: One to install the new bulb, and fifty to figure what to do
with the old one for the next 10,000 years.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?

Q: How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!

Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three: One to screw it in, and two to talk about how much better it is
than with a man.

Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. There never *was* any light bulb.

Q: How many federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Sorry, that item was cut from the budget!

Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One-third less than for a regular bulb.

Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?

Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: One to change the bulb, and the other to assume the ladder.

Q: How many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 45: One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.

Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a
surprising twist at the end.

Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself
symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a
netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a cosmos of
nothingness.

Q: How many junkies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Who says it's dark?

Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.

Q: How many U.S. Marines does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 50: One to screw in the bulb and 49 to guard him.

Q: How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: Five: While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress, I
use a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and remove his
body. Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the dictator long
enough for Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a hole down into
the light fixture, remove the burned-out bulb, and replace it with a new
super-high wattage model of his own design. Meanwhile, Willie has driven
up to the door in a laundry truck. Just before Rollin's real identity is
revealed, we escape to the laundry truck, drive to the airfield, and
return to the United States.

Q: How many technical writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it.

Q: How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a
light bulb?
A: Many hands make light work.

('I think I cut out all of the really indecipherable americanisms in here
- the next file is more litebulb jokes so sorry if I repeat a couple)

9.Q. How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn
out, and figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the
bulbs work smarter, not harder.

10.Q. How many MIS guys does it take to change a light bulb?
A. MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem, and has
assigned your request Service Number 39712. Please use this number for any
future reference to this light bulb issue. As soon as a technician becomes
available, you will be contacted.

11.Q. How many WordPerfect support technicians does it take to change a
light bulb?
A. We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be
working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Ok. Now,
exactly how dark is it? Ok, there could be four or five things wrong . . .
have you tried the light switch?

12.Q. How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light
bulb?
A. Three: two holding the ladder and one to screw the bulb into a
faucet.

13.Q. How many Microsoft vice presidents does it take to change a light
bulb?
A. Eight: one to work the bulb and seven to make sure Microsoft gets $2
for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.

14.Q. How many testers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. We just noticed the room was dark; we don't actually fix the problems.

15.Q. How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. The light bulb works fine on the system in my office . . .

16.Q. How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. You're still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb
object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class, so
all you'd have to do is send a light bulb change message.

17.Q. How many shipping dept. personnel does it take to change a light
bulb?
A. We can change the bulb in 7-10 working days; if you call before 2pm
and pay an extra $15 we can get the bulb changed overnight.

18.Q. How long does it take a DEC repairman to change a light bulb?
A. It depends on how many burnt-out lightbulbs he brought with him.

19.Q. How many Windows users does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. One, but s/he'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy for him as
it would be for a Macintosh user.

21.Q. How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness(tm) as the new industry
standard.

22.Q: How many gas fitters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to turn up the day before when you're out; One to change the
switch; One to bring along the wrong sort of light bulb.

23.Q: How many gay-rights activists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. "The light bulb shouldn't have to change for society to accept
it."

34.Q: How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
A: None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.

35.Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.

48.Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: A tree in a golden forest.
A: Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it.
A: One to change and one not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen answer
is Four. One to change the bulb.
A: None. Zen masters carry their own light.
( i know ive done this before but its got new things...)

70.Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the
other screws the bulb into the water faucet.

71.Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete
pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week.
Meanwhile...

76.Q: How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Oh wow, is it like dark, man?

77.Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.

79.Q: "How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
A: "151, one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct the
ship out of disgrace."

81.Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "Approximately 1.00000000000000000000001"

82.Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: 7. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the
Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones to
pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices that they
have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't see in the dark
to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency stop at the next
uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from the
natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red shirt security officers beam
down. The 3 security officers are promptly killed by the natives, and the
rest of the landing party is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty
notices a Klingon ship approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape
detection. Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and
as a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs
they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the
planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted, and
the Enterprise continues with its five year mission.

83.Q: How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.

84.Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.

85.Q: How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10,000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution.

86.Q: How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: All of them.

93.Q: How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: one.

97.Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It's left to the reader as an exercise.
A: One. He gives it to fifty US Marines, thereby reducing the problem to
an earlier joke.
A: In an earlier article, zeus!bobr writes:
"Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
"A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem
to an earlier joke..."
In earlier work, Wiener [1] has shown that one mathematician can change
a light bulb.
If k mathematicians can change a light bulb, and if one more simply
watches them do it, then k+1 mathematicians will have changed the light
bulb.
Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers, n
mathematicians can change a light bulb.

98.Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.

99.Q: How many poets does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle... ... and one
to change the bulb.

100.Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and
sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).

101.Q: How many aides does it take to change President Clinton's light
bulb?
A: None, they like to keep him in the dark.

102.Q: How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Depends on what you want to change it into.

103.Q: How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 101. One to change it and 100 to convince everyone else to change light
bulbs too.

(I like these. again, a bit americanised, but I think
I cut out most of the terrible american jokes.)

bobfish@arcticbb.demon.co.uk