All The Answers

The answers contained here will not make you rich. Nor will they assist
you in your pursuit of fame, fortune, or happiness. They won't help you
get attractive dates, stop you from going bald, show you how to make a
million from real estate you don't own, or tell you how to give your
seventy-three-year-old skin a youthful glow. These are answers for you
to use at your discretion in everyday circumstances. They are about
relationships, belief systems, romance (or lack thereof), and ultimately
death. These are answers of all pedigrees, short and long, good and bad,
polite and rude, covering every subject in the everyday language of
everyday people. The only things missing are the questions.

 1.  Trust me. I do this all the time.
 2.  I'm just not ready to make a commitment
 3.  No.
 4.  NO!
 5.  No, there's nothing wrong with my pancreas. Why do you ask?
 6.  Unleaded.
 7.  If I HAD three pennies, I would have given them to you.
 8.  I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.
 9.  I have a high metabolism.
 10. Forty-Two, maybe fifty.
 11. I was absent that day.
 12. But if I tie it looser, that'll defeat the purpose.
 13. I'm not authorized to release that information.
 14. If the Clorox doesn't get it, try a mixture of lemon juice and
	muriatic acid.
 15. Define love.
 16. You'll break your mother's heart.
 17. I had it done when I was in boot camp.
 18. When hell freezes over.
 19. Because the world would be a lot better off it things were done my
	way all the time.
 20. I mailed it yesterday. It should be there by the end of the week.
 21. I ran out of stamps.
 22. No, honestly. I can't taste the freezer burn.
 23. To make as much money as humanly possible as quickly as possible
	while expending the least amount of effort.

Happy Headlines

   English is a marvelously flexible language, much to the chagrin of
headline writers everywhere. If any of these headlines seem reasonable,
try reading it again in a slightly different way!

 1.  Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
 2.  Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
 3.  Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
 4.  Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
 5.  Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
 6.  Farmer Bill Dies in House
 7.  Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
 8.  Stud Tires Out
 9.  Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
 10. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
 11. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
 12. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
 13. Eye Drops Off Shelf
 14. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
 15. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
 16. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
 17. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe
 18. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
 19. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
 20. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
 21. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
 22. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
 23. Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
 24. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
 25. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000
 26. '84 War Dims Hope for Peace
 27. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While 28.Cold Wave
	Linked to Temperatures
 29. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
 30. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
 31. Deer Kill 17,000
 32. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
 33. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
 34. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
 35. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
 36. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
 37. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
 38. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
 39. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
 40. Ban on Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
 41. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
 42. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
 43. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
 44. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
 45. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
 46. Air Head Fired
 47. Steals Clock; Faces Time
 48. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
 49. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
 50. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
 51. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
 52. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
 53. Sex Education Delayed; Teachers Request Training
 54. Include Your Children when Baking Cookies

(this is perhaps my favourite of these files. Except for Fun Things To Do
In An Elevator, and Exam Fun, which I co-wrote)

bobfish@arcticbb.demon.co.uk