Basic Rules for Cats Who Have a House to Run
                           (Updated January 27, 1994)
                          Compiled by Harold Reynolds

This posting is a major reorganization of the Cat Rules file, including some
new additions.  I've marked the new additions with a , but you should check
the whole file anyways, in case I've forgotten something. Harold Reynolds

1. INTRODUCTION

     The following is a list of guidelines for the busy cat(s) who will have
a house to manage after adopting one or more humans.  It is, of course,
impossible to cover all possible situations, as those humans are always up
to some sort of mischief, but the compiler and contributors to this guide
have endeavoured to cover as wide a variety of topics as possible.

2. FOOD

     In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat.
Eating, however, is only half the fun.  The other half is getting the food.
Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to
death and must be fed NOW; and hunting for it oneself.  The following are
some guidelines for getting fed.

a) When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of your tail in
   their dishes when they are not looking.

b) Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the table.

c) Never drink from your own water bowl if a human's glass is full enough to
   drink from.

d) The best times to inform humans of your dish's emptiness are when they
   are unable to ignore you, such as when they are sleeping or on the
   toilet.

e) Should you catch something of your own outside, it is only polite to
   attempt to get to know it.  Be insistent--your food will usually not be
   so polite and try to leave.

f) Table scraps are delicacies with which the humans are unfortunately
   unwilling to readily part.  It is beneath the Dignity of a cat to beg
   outright for food as lower forms of life such as dogs will, but several
   techniques exist for ensuring that the humans don't forget you exist. 
   These include, but are not limited to: jumping onto the lap of the
   "softest" human and purring loudly; lying down in the doorway between the
   dining room and the kitchen, the Direct Stare, and twining around
   people's legs as they sit and eat while meowing plaintively.

g) Coffee is known to be rejuvenating for both cats and humans.  Whenever a
   human sets a cup of coffee on the floor within your reach, they are
   showing you great respect and worship.  Softly blow the divine liquid
   until cool (you may even put your paw in it to make sure the temperature
   is just right) and then daintily drink it.
   (From Lisa Abildskov, labildskov@hr.med.utah.edu)

3. WATER

     Water would be really great if it wasn't so WET!  Dripping taps are the
best sources of fresh water in the whole house.  Toilets are the next best
(but the water inside must be COLOURLESS and contain NOTHING!)  Therefore it
is imperative that any sound of running water be immediately investigated in
case a free drink may be obtained.  The bathtub is the best place to lurk in
the bathroom when a human is present.  A plaintive meow or two and perhaps
hopefully licking the faucet usually will get most humans to turn on the tap
for you.  If the bathroom door is closed, demand entry noisily (see DOORS).
The water dish is to be used only as a last resort in case the humans leave
the toilet lid down and the tub and sink are dry.

4. SLEEPING

     As mentioned above, in order to have enough energy for playing, a cat
must get plenty of sleep.  It is generally not difficult to find a
comfortable place to curl up.  Any place a human likes to sit is good,
especially if it contrasts with your fur colour.  If it's in a sunbeam or
near a heating duct or radiator, so much the better.  Of course, good places
also exist outdoors, but have the disadvantages of being seasonal and
dependent on current and previous weather conditions such as rain.  Open
windows are a good compromise.

A) Snoring is not a talent unique to humans - if the cat is sharing a bed
   with two humans, the well skilled cat can cause one of the humans to be
   blamed/swatted/smacked for the deed by the other.
   (From Jamie Hilverding, hilverdingjm@hirama.hiram.edu)

B) If your humans don't let you into the bedroom at night, make them suffer
   for it.  Even if they give you a nice warm room of your own to sleep in
   at night, with a catflap to the outside world, that just isn't good
   enough. There are several ways of registering your disapproval.

   a) Trash the room they give you to sleep in.  After all, the humans don't
      sleep in it - so why should you?

   b) Fight noisily with other cats in the neighbourhood, just outside their
      bedroom window.  Make sure that you appear in the morning with as many
      fresh scars as possible.  Spend some time perfecting an aggrieved
      "Well, I wouldn't have all these injuries if you only let me sleep in
      the bedroom at night" expression.

   c) When they finally rise and take a shower or a bath, locate the
      appropriate drainpipe and yowl up it.  That amplified and disembodied
      "Meow" is sure to surprise them - as is the length of time you can do
      this without getting hoarse.

   d) When they finally come downstairs, and call for you, refuse to use the
      catflap to enter the house.  There's a perfectly good front door they
      can open.  Of course, if they should anticipate you by opening the
      front door and calling, ignore them.  You should only appear by the
      front door and yowl once they've closed it again.
      (Part B Courtesy of Catherine Wightwick, catherin@dlbsys.co.uk)

5. PLAY

     This is an important part of your life.  Get enough sleep in the
daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games.  Below are listed several
favourite cat games that you can play.  It is important though to maintain
one's Dignity at all times.  If you should have an accident during play,
such as falling off a chair, immediately wash a part of your body as if to
say "I MEANT to do that!"  It fools those humans every time.

5.1 GAMES

a) "Catch Mouse".  The humans would have you believe that those lumps under
   the covers are their feet and hands.  They are lying.  They are actually
   Bed Mice, rumoured to be the most delicious of all the mice in the world,
   though no cat has ever been able to catch one.  Rumour also has it that
   only the most ferocious attack can stun them long enough for you to dive
   under the covers to get them.  Maybe YOU can be the first to taste the
   Bed Mouse!

b) "King of the Hill":  This game must be played with at least one other
   cat. The more, the merrier!  One or both of the sleeping humans is Hill
   303 which must be defended at all costs from the other cat(s).  Anything
   goes.  This game allows for the development of unusual tactics as one
   must take the unstable playing theatre into account.

   WARNING:  Playing games (a) and (b) to excess will result in expulsion
   from the bed and possibly from the bedroom.  Should the humans grow
   restless, immediately begin purring and cuddle up to them.  This should
   buy you some time until they fall asleep again.  If one happens to be on
   a human when this occurs, this cat wins the round of King of the Hill.

c) "Tag" (Also known by humans as "Charge of the Light Brigade"):  Obviously
   this game also requires two or more cats, and may include a dog as well.
   One cat is "it".  The other(s) chase him around the apartment until they
   catch up to him.  Then follows the "Scrum", after which the cat who
   caught the other becomes "it" and is chased around.  Great fun, but has
   the greatest potential for loss of Dignity from maneuvers such as the
   Throw Rug Wipeout and the Non-Carpeted Floor Skid.  Whenever such a
   situation occurs, all feline participants must immediately wash
   themselves.  Dogs are generally too stupid to do this and may continue to
   play.  In this case, the dog automatically becomes "it" and should be
   subjected to the Pileup.

d) "Tube Mouse": This is a game played in the bathroom.  Next to the Big
   White Drinking Bowl is a roll of soft white paper which is artfully
   attached to the wall so that it can spin.  Inside this roll is the Tube
   Mouse.  When you grab the paper, the Tube Mouse will spin frantically as
   it tries to escape from you.  When the Mouse is exposed, it dies of
   fright and stops spinning. But that's OK because you now have a great new
   toy to pounce on, play with, and shred!  Part two of the game is to make
   the angry human believe that the other cat did it.
   (Based on a suggestion by Phillip Lafleur, dtroop@netcom.com)

e) "Fetch":  Only dogs will run after a ball or stick that humans throw,
   take it back to them, and continue doing this until they drop.  As
   established earlier, dogs are not bright.  A dignified cat MAY fetch a
   ball for its human, but if the human persists in continually throwing the
   ball away, assume that the human truly does not want it, and leave it.
   (From Lisa Abildskov, labildskov@hr.med.utah.edu)

5.2 TOYS

     Any small item is a potential toy.  If a human tries to confiscate it,
this means that it is a Good Toy.  Run with it under the bed.  Look suitably
outraged when the human grabs you and takes it away anyways.  Watch where it
is put so you can steal it later.  Two reliable sources of toys are dresser
tops and wastebaskets.  Below are listed several types of cat toys.

a) Bright shiny things like keys, brooches or coins should be hidden so that
   the other cat(s) or humans can't play with them.  They are generally good
   for playing hockey with on uncarpeted floors.

b) Dangly and/or stringlike things such as shoelaces, cords, gold chains and
   dental floss also make excellent toys.  They are favourites of humans who
   like to drag them across the floor for us to pounce on.  When a string is
   dragged under a newspaper or throw rug, it magically becomes the
   Paper/Rug Mouse and should be killed at all costs.  Take care, though. 
   Humans are sneaky and will try to make you lose your Dignity.  Note that
   playing with shoelaces when the human is trying to tie them is another
   form of Hampering.

c) Within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice.  They are small and camouflaged to
   be the same colour as the bag, so they are hard to see, but you can
   easily hear the crinkling noises they make as they scurry around the bag. 
   Anything, up to and including shredding the bag, can be done to kill
   them.  Note: any other cat you may find in a bag hunting for Bag Mice is
   fair game for a Sneak Attack, which will usually result in a great Tag
   match.

d) Ignore anything that appears to be a store-bought cat toy.  After all, in
   the old days, cats had to fashion their own toys.  Store-bought toys are
   an affront to a "real" cat.
   (From Jamie Hilverding, hilverdingjm@hirama.hiram.edu)

6. HAMPERING

     If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other
is idle, stay with the busy one.  This is called "helping" otherwise known
as "hampering".  The following are some rules for "hampering".

a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook.  You
   cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and
   then picked up and comforted.

b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book,
   unless you can lie across the book itself.

c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most
   appropriate manner so as to obscure the maximum amount, or at least the
   most important part.  Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and
   slap the pencil or knitting needles.  The worker may try to distract you;
   ignore it.  Remember, the aim is to hamper work.  Embroidery and
   needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may
   tell you.

d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or
   Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim: to hamper! 
   First, sit on the paper being worked on.  When dislodged, watch sadly
   from the side of the table.  When activity proceeds nicely, roll around
   on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability.  After being
   removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the
   table, one at a time.

e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to
   jump at the back of the paper.  They love surprises.

f) As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of
   the human, especially: on stairs; when they have something in their arms;
   in the dark; and when they first get up in the morning.  This will help
   their coordination skills.

g) Always sleep on the human at night so they cannot move around.

h) When a human is attempting to "make the bed", hop on it and curl up in
   the middle, or pounce on the sheet the human is trying to rearrange.  If
   the human tries to ignore you by covering you with the sheets, move
   around and try to mess things up.  Protest loudly when you're evicted.

i) Laundry presents many opportunities to hamper (hence the other name for
   the laundry basket--the laundry hamper).  Laundry fresh from the dryer is
   a perfect bed, since it is warm and soft.  As soon as it is put on the
   bed for sorting, arrange yourself for a nap.  If the human removes you,
   keep returning until the laundry isn't warm anymore.  Now it's play time. 
   Pounce on anything the human tries to move around for folding, especially
   socks and nylons.  For added fun, grab a sock and hide under the bed.

7. SCRATCHING POSTS

     It is advised that cats use any scratching post the humans may provide.
They are very protective of what they think is their property and will
object strongly if they catch you sharpening your claws on it.  Being sneaky
and doing it when they aren't around won't help, as they are very observant. 
If you are an outdoor kitty, trees are good.  Sharpening your claws on a
human is a definite no-no!  Some humans come equipped with "jeans", which
can be scratched without inflicting too much injury.  Attempts to climb up
them will result in further attention, albeit perhaps not the kind you wish.
(Based on suggestions by Elizabeth Worden, worden@silver.ucs.indiana.edu,
and Jules May, jules@cix.compulink.co.uk)

8. THE VACUUM CLEANER

     This appalling Beast is known by many names, Cat Eater being the most
prevalent.  Normally pliable, agreeable humans will turn into raging
monsters while under Its influence, running around the house sucking up all
the carefully shed cat hair and terrorizing the feline residents with evil
glee. Nothing can stop It until the influence is over and the foul device is
put back into Its closet.  All you can do is run and hide when you hear the
engine roar to life and hope that It doesn't find you.  On some occasions,
however, the humans are forced to open up the vacuum cleaner and remove a
swollen, dusty bag from within.  This is Its stomach, and must be destroyed
if you can get the chance.  Do not worry if the human yells at you, for the
yell is really that of the Beast in pain.

9. DOORS

     Do not allow closed doors in any room.  To get a door opened, stand on
hind legs and hammer it with forepaws.  Once door is opened, it is not
necessary to use it.  After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand
halfway in and out and think about several things.  This is particularly
important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. 
Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.

10. HUMANS

     Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give
attention to us, and to clean the litter box.  It is important to maintain
one's Dignity when around humans so that they will not forget who is the
master of the house.

10.1 WAKING THEM UP

     It is not known why humans like to sleep when it gets dark, just when
the day is young and the masters of the house are fresh and ready for play. 
It is known, however, that sleeping humans are boring to be around and that
they occasionally must be roused to attend to our needs, such as to get
fresh food or water or to retrieve a toy that was batted under the sofa. 
Almost all of them strongly dislike being dragged out of bed in their
so-called "wee hours". Some will even pretend to be asleep even when we know
they're not, hoping we'll give up and go away.  Persistence is the key to
success in any case.

     One nearly always successful method of rejuvenating a dormant human is
the "direct approach", namely jumping on the bed and doing one or more of
the following: trampling, licking and/or nibbling any exposed parts,
purring, meowing, head-butting, light taps on the eyes, or playing "Catch
Mouse" or "King of the Hill".  This may only result in your being ejected
from the bed, but at least you now have the human's attention.  If the human
is being stubborn, you may have to resort to more drastic tactics, such as
ripping down posters, rattling blinds, knocking over and looting a
wastebasket, knocking items off the dresser, singing at the top of your
voice, or even curling up on the human's head (often the only visible part). 
As well as being warm, in this way you will be aware of any movement made by
the human, probably even before he is aware of it.  You will be unlikely to
wait for long.  Eventually the human will get up and do what you want,
usually employing some bad language while doing so. (Based on suggestions by
Megan McGuire, MCGUIRE@macc.wisc.edu, and Jules May,
jules@cix.compulink.co.uk).

WARNING:  It is not advised to do this on a regular basis.  It will very
likely result in your being "banished" from and denied access to the bedroom
altogether, in which case it becomes much more difficult to get them to
respond to your wishes.  Thumping the door or yowling may be initially
effective, but will likely result in being further banished to the basement
or even the kitty carrier!  Discretion is thus strongly recommended.

     Of course, if the human gets up on his own in the wee hours to go to
the bathroom, you are free to get him to do your bidding while he is too
sleepy to put up much resistance.

10.2 MORNINGS

     In order to provide and care for you, the humans must leave the domain
every morning (usually before you take your first cat nap).  To help them on
their way, either yowl loudly, massage their scalps with your claws, or
gently bounce on top of them in bed.  See also GAMES.  The best time to do
this is about 24 minutes before their clock begins to blare or ring.  We
must protect them from the blaring noise because it could ruin their sense
of hearing. (From Lisa Abildskov, labildskov@hr.med.utah.edu)

10.3 GUESTS

a) Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most.  Sit on that lap.  If
   you can arrange for a particular bad "tuna breath", so much the better.

b) For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select fabric which
   contrasts well with your fur.  For example:  white-furred cats go to
   black wool clothing.  NOTE:  Velvet takes precedence over all other
   cloth.

c) For the guest who exclaims, "I love kitties!", be ready with aloof
   disdain, apply claws to stockings or arms, or use a quick nip on the
   ankle.

d) When walking among the dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look
   surprised and hurt when scolded.  The idea is to force your humans to
   reveal that they tolerate this behavior when company is not there.

e) Always accompany guests to the bathroom.  It is not necessary to do
   anything -- just sit and stare.

10.4 LAPS

     Undoubtedly THE best way to get attention from a human is to jump in
his/her lap and purr.  Few humans can resist because it makes them think you
like them (which may even be true!).  Ear scratches, belly rubs, back
stroking: all these and more can be yours.  Some cats like this treatment a
little TOO much and acquire the silly name "Lap Fungus".  Lap sessions also
provide golden opportunities for shedding--be sure to take advantage of
clothes which contrast with your fur (see also GUESTS).  Unfortunately,
humans have the annoying tendency to want to get up to do their mundane
activities, like answering the thing that rings or going to the Big White
Drinking Bowl.  Protest this disturbance with accusing looks and plaintive
meows.  Some laps may require "softening up" with a little kneading; just be
sure not to use the claws or you may have an unexpected flying lesson!

11. VETS AND MEDICINE

     The vet is the person to whom your human will take you when you are
sick. The place smells funny, there are usually other cats and dogs in the
waiting room, and awful things like needles and pill prescriptions will
happen there. The usual result is that you will get better, which is good,
but you just can't let those humans cathandle you.  The following are some
tips for dealing with vets and medicine.

a) Unless you are really sick, when you see the carrier come out, run and
   hide somewhere inaccessible, such as under the bed or behind a couch. 
   Once the human finally grabs you, struggle gamely.  Splay your legs out
   so that it is difficult to cram you into the carrier.  If the human is
   trying to put you in with another pet, try to allow the other pet to bolt
   out the door.  In the car, meow plaintively all the way down to the
   vet's.  If possible, reach through the bars of the portable prison and
   try to claw the human as they drive.  At the vet's, splay your legs and
   brace yourself against the carrier's walls if you can so that they can't
   dump you out easily.

b) If you are well enough, you must resist attempts to feed you pills or any
   liquid medicine.  As soon as you hear the pill bottle rattle, hide as in
   part a).  Resist attempts to open your mouth.  Squirming is good.  Once
   the medicine is in, try to spit it out, preferably by shaking your head
   vigorously.  Refuse any food that looks or smells like it may have had
   medicine sprinkled on it.  Unfortunately, humans can be REALLY unfair and
   put it in tuna.  In this case, accept grudgingly.  Look aggrieved after
   the medicine session is over.

12. ILLNESS

a) If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly.  If you cannot manage in
   time, get to an Oriental rug.  If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good.
   When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as
   long as the human's bare foot.

b) When you get sick in the house, you should hover around the general area
   until a human spots the mess.  You should act as if you are guarding the
   stuff for the human and then quickly vacate the room.

c) If taken outside, you should take every opportunity to scarf down as much
   grass as possible (while not being spotted).  After ingesting a "critical
   mass" amount, whine and scratch at the door to be let back in the house.
   After entering the house head for the traditional illness locations and
   let it rip.
   (Parts b) and c) from Jamie Hilverding, hilverdingjm@hirama.hiram.edu)

13. CONCLUSION

     Humans need to know basic rules.  They can be taught if you start early
and are consistent.  You will then have a smooth-running household.

-----------------------------------


Send other rules or suggested modifications to me, harold@atm.dal.ca.

Original Author(s) UNKNOWN.  (If anybody knows, tell me!)

Based on a posting by Vickie Burtch (burtch@selway.umt.edu), with additions
from the files of Connie Kleinjans (Connie_Kleinjans@Novell.COM), and
myself: Harold Reynolds, (harold@atm.dal.ca).  Material created based on
suggestions is noted, with the suggestor's name.
-- 
Stormy    DS Bd+W C+G 0.8 X L- W- C-- I+++ T++  A++ E- V+ P   B-
Sylvester DS B+W  Y+G 0.8 Y L  W  C+  I+++ T+++ A   E  V+ P++ B+
Maintainer of the "Bad Kitty/Human", "Bad Dog/Human", "Cat Rules" lists.

harold@Drizzle.ATM.Dal.Ca (Harold Reynolds) ATM, Dalhousie University,
Halifax, NS, Canada From the Internet. Copyright not known.